F*ck you – I’m me and that’s perfect.

There have been people who judged me and walked away
There have been people who didn’t care to listen to what I had to say

So…here is to the people who didn’t like in me high school
To the friends I had before I got divorced
And to the others who lack any decency or remorse

In the Past Year

There have been friends that chose sides
Friends that erased me from their lives
There have been some who used my life as a new topic
Who enjoyed my heartache and failures making them public

There have been women talking about me in sewing circles
And..girls..taking my leftovers and trying to make full meals
There has been a man who forgave me, leaving the past in the past
Who promised me friendship, regardless of others views, that wont last

There has been a Mother who tried to destroy me, telling many I was dead
And a Son, that used me up and left me questioning what all was said
There have been jobs lost, money completely drained
There has been bruises, anger, frustration and pain

Ive had people attack me and hit below the belt
I’ve been called fatty, ugly, childish remarks that leave a welt
I’ve been harassed, cheated and lied about
My sincerity, parenting and logic have been questioned with doubt

Ive spent days in bed asking God to please take me away and end this
Ive apologized, and accepted my punishments
Ive asked for forgiveness and tried to right all my wrongs
But, none of you cared how it felt for me all along

“How could she do that, and just walk away”
“He didn’t deserve that, he needs to make her pay”
“Oh wait, now their friends, how is that even possible?”
Because, my mistakes make the person I am, Remarkable.

The truth is real simple, this last year doesn’t define me
Speak what you want, hiding behind judgment and misery
Acceptance and friendship from you is not something I desire or need
But, when your life falls apart, judgment from me, you’ll never see

Because I know how it feels to have no private life
I know how it feels to have failed as a wife
I’ve watched my children suffer and cry because of me
What more pain do you think I need to feel and see?

At the end of the day none of you truly matter
Eventually the pain will diminish from your chatter
On the day your world becomes broken and unkind
I hope the shoes you fill, make you see how it felt to walk in mine

My life is mine to live how I wish, and that is what I have done
I’ve never in my life pretended to be anything or anyone
I’m proud of who I am, the lessons Ive learned and how I feel
Because at the end of the day, I am the one who is being real.

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About Totally Jessifiable

This blog contains all the inner workings of me - the good the bad and the ugly. Although a majority of it is Step-Mom related since that is my current state of parenting along with my own children. There will be times of regress, moments of my childhood, good and bad that created the parent I am today - and there will be moments of utter happiness because I have made it through hell and back. This blog is real, it will hopefully make you angry, it will make you cry, it will make you laugh so hard you may pee your pants - its suppose to create a feeling within you - and I hope it does.

Posted on February 16, 2012, in Judgment and Loss and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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