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Well there is no hiding it now.

Imagine my surprise while Twitter alerted me that DivorcedMoms.com had tweeted a link to me. Of course I click on it, and too my surprise and almost embarrassment – there is my story. There is my story, and there is my name. There was no hiding from this now, it was out there.

I had in fact sent them this personal writing as a pitch idea for those going through divorce. To share how I felt in those first few months, the emotions that came and went – so that anyone else in my shoes could feel as if they were no longer alone.

But there it was, in black and white. My fears, my life, my inner most personal details were screaming at me from their site. While feeling proud, and in shock at the same time – I figure that if they posted it that quickly and without any communication, it must be worth reading. Click the link below to read what I never thought anyone would, and what the inner workings of infidelity and divorce feel like.

http://www.divorcedmoms.com/articles/he-left-two-weeks-ago-this-is-what-hatred-looks-like

This is how hatred feels

http://www.divorcedmoms.com/articles/he-left-two-weeks-ago-this-is-what-hatred-looks-like

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When the air is clear – there is room to invest.

The end of day two and beginning of day three started with one of those revelations that leave you motionless in your seat, with your heart beating outside of your chest and the feeling of not knowing if your are going to cry or throw up. The person speaking to you is visible, viable, but your mind is loudly processing all of the information you honestly knew within – yet were unable to come to grips with. In this moment, I knew this Love Dare was something important to me, and that I was determined to take this seriously – or else I know I would have flipped over tables, thrown chairs, made a scene in the restaurant – or Lord knows what else.

Instead, I took it all in, and let it sit there and continued on with the evening. We were out for a family members birthday and there was no need to deal with any of this new information right then and there – so I didn’t. Honestly, part of me felt relieved because I wasn’t crazy, I hadn’t over thought and dreamed all these signs up and I wasn’t an idiot. As hard to hear the truth as it was, it was calming as well in a sense. I’ve never been a fake person in my life, once you hurt me, we are done. I don’t need, nor want people like that in my life- I just don’t. However, tonight I put a smile on my face and faked it and made it until one thirty a.m.

Remembering to not say anything negative, to be kind, and honest I requested to go home. The ride home was unpleasant to say the least, there was a conversation, there was hurt, anger, tears – and there was a goodbye.

This time I did something differently then I have ever done though, I kept my cool, the anger was not on my part, I didn’t over react or take ownership for anything that wasn’t mine, and most importantly I let him walk away. The fear of losing my husband in that moment somehow vanished, and I was okay with the distance which usually scares the hell out of me. When we have fought before there are things said that are hurtful, but not this time. When we have fought before there was yelling and arguing but not this time. This time was different.

Unknowingly to us,  we left our home on the evening of day two as divided as a married couple could be still carrying on as happily married.  Around four a.m. on day three, a knock on my door would bring not only my husband but HONESTY, LOVE, GROWTH and MARRIAGE back into our home.  We shared and gained more ground as a married couple than we had over six months.  Things were said that neither of us knew, and that the other missed. When you live with someone day in and day out you forget to SEE them, to LIVE with them, to appreciate them. Watching my husband at that early morning hour, hearing not just his words, but his feelings, his thoughts, his inner most vulnerabilities – I remembered he is human. I am human – we are not perfect.

MarriageInvestment

I get so caught up in being everything I see my husband liking, skinny, brunette, tattoos etc… that I focus on all the things I am not.  Then,  I lose the things he already loves about me. We as women crave attention, and even when we have it, it doesn’t always feel that way. I’m at the gym busting my butt to lose weight to look good because he likes fit women, and getting upset when he doesn’t notice. He is upset because I’m always wanting to work out. He doesn’t want me to look like “them” he wants “me”.

On the other end,  My husband is a very attractive man, so attractive in fact that he gets hits on often. Apparently this is something that I should appreciate, however I don’t. Women these days are not respectful when they flirt and they often take it too far. It also doesn’t help that my husband eats it up, which also irritates me. I grew up in the time of being attractive without knowing it and being thankful – but not cocky. However, in his defense, I didn’t realize that he eats it up from everyone else, because I rarely tell him I feel he is attractive, or sexy – because I think he hears it enough. Or, because he says it so much it turns me off and I lose that attraction all together. The truth is, he is gorgeous and extremely fit. With sandy blond hair, broad shoulders, he has two different colored eyes, one blue, and one green – and a smile that melts hearts of women ages 2-100. He is hilarious and fun, exciting, and by far my fantasy man – there isn’t any other man I am attracted to than my husband – and I need to make sure he knows that. I need to remember that is important.

Day 3, was to invest in something – whatever you put your time and energy into – to make sure it made them know you were thinking of them. It turns out my husband who is a huge ball fan, had never seen the movie Field of Dreams. I called around to the video stores, found it, rented it and we watched it together. Following the movie we communicated some more and watched Fireproof as we cuddled together.

Marriage isn’t easy, ours is far from perfect – but if there is love and communication it is far richer than many.

Am I a product of Reverse Psychology?

Is it possible I get nothing from my family but reverse psychology? Is it possible that every lesson I have learned in how to be who I am — was solely by watching them be who they should not have been?

confused

Do you ever feel as if you do not have a place, a place of origin, a true place to call home, an explanation to the whys and who’s of what made the person you have become? That is me.

At my son’s baseball try-outs he was incredible, he is naturally athletic – and I thought to myself, I wonder where he gets that? My last name is James, but I know nothing of my origin. How can that be possible, for a name, a history – the ins and outs of who I am – to mean nothing? I guess that is something I am still figuring out.

My kids, they know where they come from – who they get certain things from, or who they learn it from. My son is built just as I was as a child. My daughter is built like her father, she is beautiful – not just the beautiful that every mother says, but the truly takes your breath away beautiful. My son gets his sensitivity from me, and my daughter gets her attitude from me. They both are direct results of the people around them.

There are some key aspects I give credit to my grandparents for teaching me – the old school values like, Sundays are family days, Church, family dinner at the table every night, praying before every meal, never invite yourself, or eat in front of someone, don’t call a house during dinner time — all things our fast paced society could care less about anymore. However, who I am, whose nose I have, or laugh I have, I couldn’t tell you.

What I know about myself is how I feel about things, what makes me who I am, my reactions, my instincts, my abilities and strengths — those are mine, built by me, and God. Do I know where my insecurities come from? Absolutely! But, could I tell you where I get my writing abilities from, or my love for Literature? No. Do I know why I love my children more than life itself, and I will make sure they know they can do anything they want, and they are important, intelligent, and loved? Yes — But, do I know who I get that from? No.

What I learned from my parents was that for my mother, drugs, alcohol and random men – were more important than me. And, from my Father, was that the wind blowing through my hair on the way to bus stop was not okay and made me appear beautiful – therefore it was chopped off like my brothers. My father said I talked too much, so sent me to school with an entire roll of duck tape on my mouth. Apparently, I get nothing from him, because I would NEVER do that to my children.

Do you see what I have to work with here? My father has since passed and I find myself internally giving him some slack due to some medical issues and what-not, however I just don’t think I can ever bring myself to ever like that man – or see that I am anything like him.

What perplexes me is that I believe God gives us our parents for a reason, and so far I am missing what good it has done for me to have such shitty parents. It has done wonders for my children, which I guess is for me, I don’t know. Don’t get  me wrong, God has blessed me in many ways, and if the only blessings I have from here on out are my children I am perfectly content with that. But, I would sure love to know, for it to all make sense, as to why I have no place to call home — before the home I built with my children.

READ & SHARE

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Heartbreak – Reality of being JUST a Step-Mom.

When you truly realize you are JUST a step-mom, your heart will break. It will feel like you have lost all control, all sense of function and almost as if you’ve lost a child. Once you realize or are even possibly smacked in the face with it – it will feel like a shock, like you were blindsided and never saw this coming. The reason I know this, is it happened to me today.

During this exhausting fight over contempt, parenting time, child support, having me banned from pickups and drop-offs and whatever else she deemed necessary – I feel like every aspect of myself has been tested and re-tested and I am the one who loses.

How did I lose exactly? Because, I married a man and we live in Oregon apparently-

Our attorney called us last week and said that he was going to turn in paperwork asking for in addition to our Tues-Sun every other week, that we also get Wed-Sat on the other weeks, so that we get him every week for at least a couple of days. You’ll notice I say “We” when another cold hard fact is it’s actually “he” and not we at all. My heart was ecstatic at the thought of having little man around every week, watching his bond with my husband growing more than it has already been and all the happy thoughts that follows having our family whole a little more than we have had.

Then, within a flash – it all changes. Husband walks out of mediation with a grin – he whispers to me “We got more time” my heart is about to leap out of my chest I am so excited!! BM even talked with me about Ethan and was very pleasant – things were really going our (his) way, finally.  Then once were outside I ask the details and he tells me ” during Summers we get him every other week from Sun-Sun and we get him spring break, and Christmas break” so he is set for school. Instantly I feel my breathing stop, my head is screaming internally WTF, you agreed to what?? and as he is trying to explain how this is MORE time, and now it’s not up to the Judge, and this is GOOD, all I am thinking is  my heart is broken! Who cares what happens next SUMMER, and we already have him on Christmas break, that’s not EXTRA that’s not what I want – Damn-it that’s not what I want!!! And guess what – It doesn’t matter what I want – because I am just a Step-Mom. As much I want him to be, he is not my son, I am not his parent and nothing will ever, ever change that. It makes me hate every article I read and was against, it makes me feel like a failure – it hurts –  A LOT!

As I yelled and freaked out, then calmed down and tried to rationally explain my point and how he just traded in for a horrible offer, because he is afraid the Judge wouldn’t have given it to him, because he is a man and we live in Oregon – we got nowhere. I should just be happy we got more time. In my mind we lost days,months even – this year overnight calculations will be 130 – next year with their “new agreement” he will have 145, had he waited until Monday and had his attorney go in like he was supposed to – he would have got 209!!   TWO HUNDRED & NINE days out of THREE -SIXTY-FIVE – but I’m just a step-mom, what do I know? I’m exhausted and don’t know what else to say at this point.

Have you felt the pain of realizing you’re just a step-mom?

See you next blog – Jess

Know…

Inspired by the movie: Lifted

When all feels wrong

and the road to happiness too far gone

When the load feels to heavy to bear

Know there is someone always there

When you feel alone, like no one can ever understand

and then you reach out to find, there is no helping hand

When you feel you failed at yet another of life’s tests

Know you have someone out there better than all the rest

When struggles seem to often, with no repreive in sight

and every need requires some out of reach exhausting fight

When second guessing & worrying becomes the norm

Know you have someone shielding you from the storm

When you look around and see nothing, yet feel your not alone

and you are missing someone, and reach for the phone

When you catch a glimpse of someone out of the corner of your eye

Know there’s someone near you,  who never truly says goodbye

See you next blog – Jess

She can’t be that bad – Meeting the Ex-wife

 

 

Listening to my husband explain about his ex when we were dating really went in one ear and out the other. You see, I was divorced, and I knew the dad’s side of things and my side of things. Many people disliked me because of the dad’s side which was so far from the truth that it made me disregard some of what my husband was sharing. In past posts I have written the level of hatred he has for her, and while I do not share that with him – I do feel a immense dislike! However that came over time. I have always been the kind of person who gives the benefit of the doubt to the underdog.

Granted she did not like me at first, which I expected and prepared myself for. After all, I had been in her shoes, and am not afraid to admit suffered from the fear that I too could be replaced in my kids life by their step-mom. Benefit-of -the-doubt in my eyes can mend many situations – so I tried to approach her with such. At some point the relationship between my husband and his ex-wife went downhill pretty terribly and my husband said that he wanted all communication to go through me as he couldn’t manage a normal, adult, calm conversation. She was less than thrilled and adamantly refused such an obnoxious go around and so on. After listening to her from the other side of the phone – yelling and screaming – I took the phone. Very calmly I introduced myself more clearly, informed her of my age, my children, their ages and that I was not some twenty-something girl who was gonna bail in a couple of months and that she could rest assured that I want the best for their son. You could tell she did not like my stepping in, and to be honest I can’t say I had the right to do so – but I did. For a little while following that things were better.

Then one lovely sun-shining day at our normal pickup location she was mad! And, let me clarify what mad means in our world – it includes but is not limited to getting out of her car – slamming her car door, arms folded, face grimaced, body swaying from hair to feet, and on a mission pace right to your face – yes literally into your face – with the finger-pointing and screaming to accompany it. Well, this being my first altercation and both my lack of filter and anger that she was pulling this crap in front of not only her child but my other two as well – I was less than pleased. Probably again one of those moments I should have just duct taped my mouth shut – but instead I swung open my door and very sternly but politely informed her that she can say whatever she wants to him in privacy – however in-front of the kids this will not be tolerated – and that her language wasn’t appreciated – then got back into the car.  My husband joined me and we left.

In these two instances, I learned something from this woman. First, is that since my husband was/is younger he had still been in that dating phase, and had his fair share of fun – after her of course. This created a concern as it would with any mother, that her son would create a bond with someone who wouldn’t be staying long-term. This I completely understood and sympathized with. The second was, it was clear in their relationship she wasn’t an equal – because my husband getting into the car with me, and allowing my say – put her almost in shock. She didn’t know what to say or how to do it.  Again for a little while we got a long. They needed to re-do their current parenting plan for holidays and such so, she and I went back and forth with what worked and what days she wanted, then I went with her to the court-house and even helped her file it. When she didn’t have the money to help her file it, I helped her fill out the court form that waives it. She was thankful and polite. I saw a light at the end of this dangerous, curvy tunnel.

Somewhere between March and May of the next year she decided she wanted to hate us both again and somewhere during that time, I let her. I figured I gave my best shot, I tried and now I was done. My dreams of having a home where everyone could get along, where birthdays and holidays could be shared for the sake of the kids was sadly tossed out the car window one day and that was that.

When my husband and I got back from getting married, we had to pick up my new step-son the day after we got back. I do  not believe that he mentioned we were getting married – because we agreed that we would address it when we returned. Well apparently Facebook addressed it before we could 🙂 As we pull up she is waiting with little guy on her hip and one hand on her other hip, like a mom who just found you skipped school. My husband gets out of the car and she pushes by him still with kiddo on her hip, bends over and says “I guess  I owe you an apology – I didn’t think he would actually marry you”. Looking at her in that moment I realized all those stories he had shared with me was true, and all that benefit of the doubt I prepared for her was a waste of my time. She was a young, mad at the world girl and there was nothing I could do to change that. Honestly thinking back now I don’t even remember what I said in response – if anything, maybe I just looked at her with confusion and sadness for her.

I think a lot of times the mother of these children we love, isn’t the way she is because they worry we are a bad mother or good mother. In fact I don’t think it has anything to do with the kids, or us sometimes. Sometimes, it’s just them – their insecurities, inadequacies, and the reminder every time they see our husbands that they failed at making the family work. A family that we are now nurturing, raising and building together.

When you look back at the first time you met the ex – do you feel it was personal against you – or just personal for her??

Nothing like you…

F*ck you – I’m me and that’s perfect.

There have been people who judged me and walked away
There have been people who didn’t care to listen to what I had to say

So…here is to the people who didn’t like in me high school
To the friends I had before I got divorced
And to the others who lack any decency or remorse

In the Past Year

There have been friends that chose sides
Friends that erased me from their lives
There have been some who used my life as a new topic
Who enjoyed my heartache and failures making them public

There have been women talking about me in sewing circles
And..girls..taking my leftovers and trying to make full meals
There has been a man who forgave me, leaving the past in the past
Who promised me friendship, regardless of others views, that wont last

There has been a Mother who tried to destroy me, telling many I was dead
And a Son, that used me up and left me questioning what all was said
There have been jobs lost, money completely drained
There has been bruises, anger, frustration and pain

Ive had people attack me and hit below the belt
I’ve been called fatty, ugly, childish remarks that leave a welt
I’ve been harassed, cheated and lied about
My sincerity, parenting and logic have been questioned with doubt

Ive spent days in bed asking God to please take me away and end this
Ive apologized, and accepted my punishments
Ive asked for forgiveness and tried to right all my wrongs
But, none of you cared how it felt for me all along

“How could she do that, and just walk away”
“He didn’t deserve that, he needs to make her pay”
“Oh wait, now their friends, how is that even possible?”
Because, my mistakes make the person I am, Remarkable.

The truth is real simple, this last year doesn’t define me
Speak what you want, hiding behind judgment and misery
Acceptance and friendship from you is not something I desire or need
But, when your life falls apart, judgment from me, you’ll never see

Because I know how it feels to have no private life
I know how it feels to have failed as a wife
I’ve watched my children suffer and cry because of me
What more pain do you think I need to feel and see?

At the end of the day none of you truly matter
Eventually the pain will diminish from your chatter
On the day your world becomes broken and unkind
I hope the shoes you fill, make you see how it felt to walk in mine

My life is mine to live how I wish, and that is what I have done
I’ve never in my life pretended to be anything or anyone
I’m proud of who I am, the lessons Ive learned and how I feel
Because at the end of the day, I am the one who is being real.

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