It is true, you may be scared and uneasy maybe even willing to self sabotage it once it arrives – but the ability to love someone new, a last ditch effort of maybe this could be the elusive one – is there inside everyone. But, why? Why not just completely rule out the possibility of love, why don’t our fears of rejection and heartbreak – keep our hearts locked down tight? And, what do we gain from loving again?
Be patient for the man that understands and expects for your children to come first. Wait for the man that grabs your hand and slow dances with you in the kitchen, to music he sings or hums. Invest in the man that never questions your worth, and makes time for you without you requesting it. Give your heart to the guy, that when you are craving something sweet, brings you bags full of every candy you love. Share your heart only with the man, that shows he loves you, as well as tells you. Confide in the man who wants to help diminish your insecurities, and will talk for hours to make you feel better. Grow with the man that brings you flowers for no other reason than to see you smile. Appreciate the man, that shows you there is excitement in not planning, and enjoying what each day has to offer. Believe when this man tells you, that you are beautiful – because you truly are. Allow yourself to be silly with him, and enjoy making him laugh – because being friends is important too. Finally, trust the man who can admit he makes mistakes, and forgives when you do the same. Be patient, wait, invest, give, share, confide, grow, appreciate, believe, allow and trust that this man will find you – because he is worth the wait.
Yesterday after sharing my feelings about a certain someone special to my friend, she wrote me something that really made me think.
She wrote : “You are an inspiration Jessica. I love how you may have had ups and downs, but you aren’t afraid to continue to love! I am more than happy for you and kiss enough frogs you are bound to find a prince.”
Instantly I thought, wait – out of everything why the hell am I not afraid to love? I am afraid to get hurt, to be left, to be cheated on – but I am not afraid to love which invites all those fears in… That makes no sense. How is my heart not hardened, bitter, and broken to all things that even remotely involve a connection with another person? Then I thought… did I really maybe kiss my last frog – could he be the prince? The fairy-tale hope never dies, does it?
Loving someone, although a risk is also a very freeing feeling – to give so much of yourself without a second thought, in hopes someone will return the love and see within you all the things you already know exist. On my way home yesterday I was thinking this over, which is something I love to do – to rehash, over think and analyze myself constantly and become my own worse critic. However, I realized that letting someone in, starting over with someone new forces you to fall in love with yourself and get to know yourself all over again.
When you are in a relationship that has in many ways caused the loss of who you are, that has drained the existence of simple happiness, it is easy to fall into that hole that makes you think that you are worthless. Even worse when you are left – because we think to ourselves if I was worthy of love, he wouldn’t have left me. If I was beautiful, he wouldn’t have chosen her, if I could just show him I can be more, be better, he will come back. However, day after day, more and more you realize that is not the truth and not want you want. In fact, because you are worthy of love and happiness – he is gone – because he wasn’t worthy of your love.
A friend of mine told me once, “Be careful what you fight for, because one day you might wake up and realize it isn’t anything you really want anymore.”
She was right then, and it rings true now. Maybe that is why I am not afraid to love, because I know myself, what I have to offer, my heart and my desires. We all make mistakes, choices that we may regret, and we can talk ourselves out of anything and everything. Trust me, I am the best at all of these – but I have never successfully talked myself out of loving.
At the end of the day, I believe that if you love yourself enough, the fear to love dissipates. After all, a life without loving – is not worth living, and I want to love.