Blog Archives

Two P’s in a Poop

I got suckered in. That is how it happened.

I’m sure the same has happened to you as you scroll through your newsfeed on Facebook and some silly post catches your eye. For me, it was – – type your name into Google with “is a” after it and see what comes up. Clearly I was avoiding working and jumped right on this humor train. Typing it in, I dreamt up all the cool possibilities, Jessica is a Rockstar, Firecracker, Comedian, maybe even a Genius…but nope, I got, Jessica is a poop. Too bad the search terms weren’t “is the” instead of “is a” but some day I will be the poop, it is a dream I will keep striving for.

Somewhere it amused me just enough to recruit my house husband to do the same and see what the google gods would spit out. Matthew is a poopyhead, is what we got. Jessica is a poop, and Matthew is a poopy head.

“Of course you would be the head poop, because you are so bossy” I say to him as I am flicking him – well poop. Then it hits me “We are two P’s in a poop, you know like two peas in a pod, but poop, oh my goodness there is two p’s in poop – get it?” At this point I am dying laughing, and he is laughing solely because I have obviously cracked myself up – and every time I say something funny, I follow it up with, “get it?” to which he always replies – “Yes, I got it!” Ah, this man gets me every time.

Goofiness is next godliness, it far surpasses cleanliness – trust me. Although, there was that one time they all collided at once.

Early one morning, I thought I’d slip into the shower and surprise Mr. Poopyhead, I just didn’t realize the kind of slipping that would be involved. At the time I slipped in, he was fully soaped up, and as soon as he turned, and saw me, he slipped and slid trying to maintain balance, which at that moment was none at all, and before I knew it, he was on his back half in and half out of the shower – with a look of humiliation and “why would you do that” all over his face. I DID NOT LAUGH, but I wanted to, so badly. Reaching for a place to grab to help him up was tricky, but we did manage it. After he dried off, he says to me “I bet that would of been funny to watch” and I erupted with the laughter I had held in. He quickly followed with “I’m guessing this will be on your page later, huh?” And, I fell in love with him a little more.

image

When you like someone, it’s cool, but when you like and love someone – its far better. His bad days are my bad days, and vice versa. When he wakes up cranky, I’m not above dancing naked and being a goofball to make him laugh. Or waiting until he gets all dried off from a shower to spray him with the shower hose, or after he washes all the soap off – to either rub my soapiness on him, or just squirt the bottle of soap all over his back. One thing I don’t do is sneak into the shower anymore. In fact, I loudly announce now that I am joining him, and to stop soaping up!!

We have fun, we laugh, we enjoy each other, and if I had to choose who to be two P’s in a poop with, its him, hands down every time.

Advertisements

Everyone has one more chance for love inside them

It is true, you may be scared and uneasy maybe even willing to self sabotage it once it arrives – but the ability to love someone new, a last ditch effort of maybe this could be the elusive one – is there inside everyone. But, why? Why not just completely rule out the possibility of love, why don’t our fears of rejection and heartbreak – keep our hearts locked down tight? And, what do we gain from loving again?

Read More at http://www.divorcedmoms.com/articles/why-im-not-afraid-to-love-again

635476184033774627Fotolia_60214820_XS

Why I’m not afraid to love again. DivorcedMoms.com

From highlight reel to extended scenes…you deserve better.

I’ve always settled for “okay” love, “momentary” love, material love and graciousness, you know the kind, that when you buy someone something they really want – you then become the best thing that has ever happened to them, that isn’t real love.

We are raised with such convoluted ideals of what is expected, normal and acceptable for society to accept us. However, we relent, we condone, we allow others to interject their opinions and what they feel our relationship should produce or protect. Truth is – it is not their relationship. I’ve heard wait until your with someone for 15 years – that is a real relationship, real dedication, and real love. Bullshit. Real love, real dedication – has no essence of time. Period.

Being a relationship addict or addicted to love and the belief that one day if I put up with enough this relationship is sure to blossom into a lifetime commitment and I can finally relax into what normal people have – is a ridiculous ideal. I’ve literally laid down and allowed men to walk all over me my entire life, I allowed my father to treat me as if I was worthless and that rolled into relationship after relationship after relationship. You want to know why that is? The old adage you might as well stick it out – because the next person has just as much issues as the one you are with. LIES, LIES, LIES people, listen here that is just completely false and inaccurate. Everyone has their flaws like leaving their clothes beside the laundry basket, forgetting to take the garbage out, not always helping with the kids, but let me tell you…serious issues…there are men without them. You can do better!

something different

They say if you want a different outcome, do things differently. In each relationship I took from the previous failure and then tried to rectify that in the new one. If the guy before was unfaithful, I made myself more sexual, more available, more pleasing. If they guy before was unhappy or felt un-cared for, I learned to cook, to provide, to take care of. If the guy before was deceitful and untrustworthy I tried to open up more- communicate more, to allow and invite an openness in the relationship. If the guy was emotionally, mentally or physically abusive, I would modify my looks, my behaviors, I would give up my life, my fun, my wants and needs and dedicate myself completely to helping and fixing them…DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?? The problems and changes to be made were not mine to make, it was simply the wrong relationship. I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t listen to my brain or follow my gut…that part was my only fault.

It is important for women to realize this: It is not your job to take on the success or failure of a relationship in its entirety. If the marriage/relationship is failing and you are the only one fighting…STOP. If the first time you meet a guy he has texts from women on his phone saying they are waiting naked in bed for him, honey… walk away! If a guy slaps you then tells you he loves you, walk away, (well I would slap him back and then walk away) but you know what I mean! If you find yourself in a dentist chair having a tooth extracted solely to provide your addict boyfriend with Vicodin – dear lord child, walk away! Cheaters, cheat… Liars, lie… Abusers dominate and destroy and Addicts, simply transfer their addictions. You do not need to stay in any of these situations if you do not want to. It is your choice – not God’s choice, or the Bibles choice, it is not what is best for your children, or what is best for you, or for the person you are desperately trying to fix. You will lose yourself, you will lose this battle and you deserve better.

higlightreel

Here is the thing, yes we tend to fall into relationship ruts, and often times can repeat the past and pick out of a pond packed with emotionally and mentally damaged fish that are most likely floating sideways if not upside down already! BUT, you have this amazing ability to change that. You are more wise that you give yourself credit for. And, my favorite part is this: Not every man will abuse you, not every man will cheat on you- repeatedly, not every man will be systematically deceitful, hurtful and unavailable. In my lifetime, I have loved entirely and completely three men – an abusive alcoholic, an unfaithful deceitful younger man, and an honest to goodness good man. They exist…I didn’t settle, I didn’t have to allow him to hurt me to be loved, or chase him for affection, or fight to keep him every night. He chose to stay, he chose to be kind, considerate, to listen, to communicate and to love me – even when I don’t deserve it.

You’ve heard the saying do not compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s highlight reel, and it is true. Trust me, I lived a highlight reel life, I boasted and hung tightly to every UP, because I was so tormented and heartbroken by every LOW. I thought I needed to be thankful for the good times, because they made the hard times worth it…which is true to a point. However, when the hard times are many and the good times are few…you have to be strong enough and value yourself enough to draw the line.

There are a number of unhealthy relationships, guarded secrets, ultimatums and foundations built on infidelity, deceit and immoral actions – unfortunately the sad part isn’t that these exist, it is the people who think this is what they deserve. That this is the best they can have, that no one will love them outside of this relationship. That they have nothing to offer the world, no dream to chase, or talent to offer. They look in the mirror and see failure, ridicule, embarrassment and despair, when they should see strength, honor, integrity, beauty, hope and success.

In my mirror I can choose to see all those negative things as well, I can see my flaws and imperfections, my failed endeavors, relationships, parental screw-ups, employment mistakes, and lord knows what else. But, you want to know what I see when I look in the mirror? I see my daughter, I see her impressive beauty, her intelligence and witty personality, and her STRONG sense of self-esteem. I see my son, his goofy ways, his kind heart, and loving soul. I see my green eyes that I love, that have cried tears of happiness more than sadness, and that many have looked into, viewing the goodness of my heart. I see a woman who has been real, honest and fought when necessary and is learning to let some battles go. I see a woman who is beautiful because of my actions, my children, my mind, and my heart – not because of my physical features. And most importantly I see a woman who is unafraid, intelligent, quick witted, stubborn, hilariously funny, dorky, goofy and flat out 100% one of a kind.

you

That is what I choose, and what I will raise my daughter to choose…it is what all women need to choose…choose yourself and own your life. It will be the best investment you will ever make.

Day 2 – Kindness

“Fireproof doesn’t mean a fire will never come, but that when it comes you’ll be able to withstand it.”

Day one, dare one,  was easier than I thought – it was almost a calm before the storm in a sense. Staying busy at work, and visiting with friends kept me from the urge of texting, calling, questioning – or controlling. Towards the later part of the day my husband reached out to me, asked how my day was – and for a moment I thought about not responding. Then I remembered what I read about patience and kindness – and responded.

We ended up filling in for some friends in a kickball game, and then went to their home afterwards.  The house naturally divided as most do when you have many different couples, with children running throughout the house. The women stayed inside and the men huddled around a bonfire outside. We had a great night, we were together, yet not side by side. With the ladies, I laughed harder than I have laughed in months, mainly because the only thing I have done lately is cry. We laughed so hard, I couldn’t breath, and was reminded how vital girlfriends are, the ones that don’t judge – the ones that let you see them fail – just the same as offer a helping hand when you do. We are all the same. We shared those details no one talks about, the failures we keep hidden and insecurities that define our own personal sense of beauty and what makes us all unique.

That night I went to bed without having said one negative thing to my husband, not one nagging remark, and it felt good. Waking up the next morning, I was eager to see what day two was going to bring. Not only for my dare, but for my marriage.

Kindness

Day two kept the patience from day one, with the addition of kindness. Sounds pretty basic and easy enough right? Do you know how many people don’t practice either in their marriage at some point, if not many times? Think how you treat a common stranger, we hold the door for the person behind us, we use manners, and most often give more time than we have because they appear to need it. However, those that need it within our home, are last to get it, if at all. An excerpt from the book The Love Dare says this:

Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn’t sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don’t require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First.

With that, Saturday’s dare was, In addition to saying nothing negative, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. While at a break between my daughters softball games at her tournament, I ran to a local sporting store to look at cleats for two of children. While I was standing in line to make my purchase, my eye caught the rack that held the Phiten Titanium braided sporting necklaces that my husband had mentioned he needed, because his had broken. Recently, he had decided to separate our finances, something that I was struggling with, and buying him anything right now honestly seemed unfair – but anyone who knows me also knows that I love spoiling my husband and kids…and in this case it did fall into the category of the dare. Stepping out of line, I grabbed him the necklace and then made my way back to the ball fields.

After getting their cleats, my son extremely excitedly, brought me the necklace with a raised eyebrow, nudging me in a manner to ask if it was his. His birthday is coming, and he expected it was his.  I need to make a mental note on that one, because talk about heart break when I said it wasn’t for him – you’d think I took his birthday away! Anyhow, when my husband joined us – I reached into my purse and handed him the necklace as nonchalantly as possible, I didn’t want it to seem as a reward, because I was still hurting and it seemed odd to be giving him a gift. He asked why I had done that, and put it on instantly. I explained I knew he had wanted one. Sitting there as he was messing with it, I waited for a thank you, a kind remark – anything…I’d keep waiting, and I had to be okay with that because the point wasn’t for a response, or to gain recognition. Gifts are to be given without expectation. It made me realize maybe, I expect more than we are supposed to.

Sitting there watching my daughter play ball, my son play at the park, the sun was shining and my husband was sitting beside me. That is where he chose to be that day, at that time, necklace or no necklace – so for me that is success for Day 2.

Have you shown your spouse Kindness today?

Maybe that is why…

Driving the other day I realized something that was almost hard to swallow. The only long term commitment I have stayed true to, is my children. The people who I could not live without, who I need by my side, to see, touch, everyday is my children. Other than them, my life has been filled with disposable items, disposable friendships, disposable relationships even. There is not one single item, that if I lost, would cause me to feel like I lost a piece of history or value. Could it be that the low sense of my own personal value – has contaminated everything else? Or could it be that I have lost so much in my life, that what’s the point of adding value to something deemed for destruction?

Committing, is obviously not impossible – as I am responsible enough, caring and loving enough to care for my children, to always do right by them. My love for them is an emotional connection, that feels as if my heart literally has a string connected to theirs. When they hurt, I feel it. When they are sad, I want to make it better. They are not disposable to me, and the feeling of losing them, letting them down, is the only thing that truly breaks my heart – to the point of where I don’t think I would come back from.

Friendships in my life have been conditional, based on trust, involvement and my desire for things to be right or fair. Although I know sometimes things simply are not fair. If I lose a friend for some reason or another, it hurts – but not from suffering the loss – usually its from feeling like I don’t understand why. The most hurtful loss, is the ones I don’t know what caused the demise in the first place, the ones where people turn away to never speak to you again. Mainly because, I would never do that.

If I do not like you, you will know. If I choose to stop being involved in your life, or allowing your involvement in mine – you will know. Not because I told someone else and they filled you in – because I will tell you myself. I have never been one that dislikes or likes someone because someone else does, or because they are around someone – its just not me. The person who is probably the closest person to me out of everyone had a best friend – and it took me years to finally see she was a pretty great person. Part of that I realize was jealousy on my part – the feeling that I was going to lose someone else, and my internal struggle with seeing myself as disposable.  Today though, she and I are great friends. There are women in certain circles around me that I simply dislike – for what reason I don’t know – just don’t care to get invested or involved.

There has never been a moment in my life where my choices and convictions were not real or mine. Why would anyone choose to not live for themselves like that? Any failure, any blessing is on my shoulders – because of what I did in the process, somehow-somewhere. The ownership of that is most important. Maybe that’s why I handle loss better, because in a sense I can wrap it back to something that was my doing. OR because I truly believe that it needed to be this way. “Mistakes are like presents to me, the wrapping might be tattered and torn, the bow may have only a simple string hanging there, but inside under all the excess – is a gift.” Therefore – walking away from it – or being walked away from – makes sense.

This morning I woke up to a Facebook post from my little brother – saying how hard life can get sometimes and that he is blessed and continues to have trust and faith in his struggles and that he was thankful for his wife and his continuing closeness to me. It hurt me to read it – because there was a truth in that – We haven’t always been close. Being the oldest, my relationship with my two younger brothers has been – I don’t know – probably disconnected. I love my brothers, but I have also been able to exist without a relationship with them, and saying that makes me feel like a shitty sister. Truth is, I think I put my time and energy into those relationships in the moment. Maybe – I am a “moment” person – or just now realizing how truly messed up I am.  While responding to my brother, I wanted him to know that I am blessed too in having a closer connection to him, that his heart is good, and I know great things are in store for him. In my head, I thought to myself he has to be pretty great , because both my mother and father loved him – he was the good son, and I was disposable. Maybe that is why I pulled away from my brother –

It was also the first real moment of dealing with the fact of apparently being hurt by my visit with my mom. I suppose it would be abnormal to truly not feel anything – so I am alright with it. The same I suppose goes with my father – he fought for me to only give up on me in the end. He has passed now, and that’s the final feeling I have. I’ve never said that before. He fought for me, to only give up on me in the end. Maybe that’s why I refuse to let my children down.

In relationships, I would get teased that I was in love with love, and when the going would get tough I would leave. Then, there was the time when the going got too tough and I wanted to prove I was going to stay – but in that instance it was okay to leave. My role in relationships ending has been on both sides, I’ve been wronged and hurt, and I have caused the hurt and left them. Love was always something I could find somewhere else, a connection that was never too deep enough to hurt, if the root was pulled from the ground. The whole would fill in eventually. Looking back, I can tell you that in the relationship with my children’s father – all in all – its a wash. If we had wanted it to work, we could have – we just simply didn’t and are better off. The next relationship – all my fault – all my doing – and something I carry around with me in this small town of everyone knowing – but also something I am okay with. I messed up – I messed up big BUT, I learned BIG too and yet again – we are better off.  The next relationship was a year of hell – a year of proving I knew what I was doing – and although I can blame the demise on him rightfully so – it was my fault for being a dumb ass and getting involved in the first place. The odd part is, he is the only man I think I truly loved, the only relationship I really gave my all, and worked my ass off at – and the only relationship that has ever broke my heart.

Proving myself to people, prevailing, doing what others say I can’t, is the way I have lived my life. A get back of sorts – a proverbial fu&k you of sorts. You see, I am okay with who I am. Do I love who I am – no, but I am proud of who I am becoming. Not taking crap from people, or allowing their convoluted opinions of me break me down – is a blessing. Truth is I have prevailed in many ways, and I have been a good person, a caring person and I have loved immensely and truthfully. That is more than many have the privilege of. I’m thankful for that.

My marriage now is hard – its work – and that’s how I know its real. I have to let my husband in, forcing myself to trust him – which is a foreign concept. Trust is something I don’t understand. Why would I believe someone, and take the chance of being hurt? However, I trust my children – kind-of a funny concept, right? Maybe it’s because I have known them from the beginning? I know their ins and outs, the faces they make when they are fibbing or being truthful, and maybe its because I would love them either way. Maybe its because I know they will love me, either way as well. My life, is hard for even me to understand – I just have to keep at it, keep learning from my mistakes and at the end of day be thankful for the blessings I have.

38 Pitches

Curt Schilling's Official Blog

Once Upon Your Prime

Where You Live Happily Ever Laughter!

Big Red Carpet Nursing

Fun & Progress!

Beautiful Life with Cancer

Discovering the Gift

Dadmissions

life surrounded by a wife and two girls

Humanity777's Blog

The Church of Christ

stepparentsperspective

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

annotated audrey art

TUCSON ARTIST AND ILLUSTRATOR

Grady P Brown - Author

Superheroes - Autism - Fantasy - Science Fiction

Envision Your Future Online

Helping you Improve your Online Business

The Stepmonster

My Journey from Single Career Girl to Wife and Stepmother of Three

FighterZine

An E-Zine By And For Fibromyalgia Fighterz!

takingthemaskoff

Addiction, Mental Health, Stigma, Spirituality

Custody Struggles

This side of the story.

The Childless Stepmom

{ an advocate for wisdom & growth }

Deliberate Donkey

we're telling secrets here

taylor della-coletta

a teen, now twenty-something mom. artist. optimist. living life backwards.

%d bloggers like this: