I got suckered in. That is how it happened.
I’m sure the same has happened to you as you scroll through your newsfeed on Facebook and some silly post catches your eye. For me, it was – – type your name into Google with “is a” after it and see what comes up. Clearly I was avoiding working and jumped right on this humor train. Typing it in, I dreamt up all the cool possibilities, Jessica is a Rockstar, Firecracker, Comedian, maybe even a Genius…but nope, I got, Jessica is a poop. Too bad the search terms weren’t “is the” instead of “is a” but some day I will be the poop, it is a dream I will keep striving for.
Somewhere it amused me just enough to recruit my house husband to do the same and see what the google gods would spit out. Matthew is a poopyhead, is what we got. Jessica is a poop, and Matthew is a poopy head.
“Of course you would be the head poop, because you are so bossy” I say to him as I am flicking him – well poop. Then it hits me “We are two P’s in a poop, you know like two peas in a pod, but poop, oh my goodness there is two p’s in poop – get it?” At this point I am dying laughing, and he is laughing solely because I have obviously cracked myself up – and every time I say something funny, I follow it up with, “get it?” to which he always replies – “Yes, I got it!” Ah, this man gets me every time.
Goofiness is next godliness, it far surpasses cleanliness – trust me. Although, there was that one time they all collided at once.
Early one morning, I thought I’d slip into the shower and surprise Mr. Poopyhead, I just didn’t realize the kind of slipping that would be involved. At the time I slipped in, he was fully soaped up, and as soon as he turned, and saw me, he slipped and slid trying to maintain balance, which at that moment was none at all, and before I knew it, he was on his back half in and half out of the shower – with a look of humiliation and “why would you do that” all over his face. I DID NOT LAUGH, but I wanted to, so badly. Reaching for a place to grab to help him up was tricky, but we did manage it. After he dried off, he says to me “I bet that would of been funny to watch” and I erupted with the laughter I had held in. He quickly followed with “I’m guessing this will be on your page later, huh?” And, I fell in love with him a little more.
When you like someone, it’s cool, but when you like and love someone – its far better. His bad days are my bad days, and vice versa. When he wakes up cranky, I’m not above dancing naked and being a goofball to make him laugh. Or waiting until he gets all dried off from a shower to spray him with the shower hose, or after he washes all the soap off – to either rub my soapiness on him, or just squirt the bottle of soap all over his back. One thing I don’t do is sneak into the shower anymore. In fact, I loudly announce now that I am joining him, and to stop soaping up!!
We have fun, we laugh, we enjoy each other, and if I had to choose who to be two P’s in a poop with, its him, hands down every time.
It is true, you may be scared and uneasy maybe even willing to self sabotage it once it arrives – but the ability to love someone new, a last ditch effort of maybe this could be the elusive one – is there inside everyone. But, why? Why not just completely rule out the possibility of love, why don’t our fears of rejection and heartbreak – keep our hearts locked down tight? And, what do we gain from loving again?
Read More at http://www.divorcedmoms.com/articles/why-im-not-afraid-to-love-again
“Fireproof doesn’t mean a fire will never come, but that when it comes you’ll be able to withstand it.”
Day one, dare one, was easier than I thought – it was almost a calm before the storm in a sense. Staying busy at work, and visiting with friends kept me from the urge of texting, calling, questioning – or controlling. Towards the later part of the day my husband reached out to me, asked how my day was – and for a moment I thought about not responding. Then I remembered what I read about patience and kindness – and responded.
We ended up filling in for some friends in a kickball game, and then went to their home afterwards. The house naturally divided as most do when you have many different couples, with children running throughout the house. The women stayed inside and the men huddled around a bonfire outside. We had a great night, we were together, yet not side by side. With the ladies, I laughed harder than I have laughed in months, mainly because the only thing I have done lately is cry. We laughed so hard, I couldn’t breath, and was reminded how vital girlfriends are, the ones that don’t judge – the ones that let you see them fail – just the same as offer a helping hand when you do. We are all the same. We shared those details no one talks about, the failures we keep hidden and insecurities that define our own personal sense of beauty and what makes us all unique.
That night I went to bed without having said one negative thing to my husband, not one nagging remark, and it felt good. Waking up the next morning, I was eager to see what day two was going to bring. Not only for my dare, but for my marriage.
Day two kept the patience from day one, with the addition of kindness. Sounds pretty basic and easy enough right? Do you know how many people don’t practice either in their marriage at some point, if not many times? Think how you treat a common stranger, we hold the door for the person behind us, we use manners, and most often give more time than we have because they appear to need it. However, those that need it within our home, are last to get it, if at all. An excerpt from the book The Love Dare says this:
Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn’t sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don’t require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First.
With that, Saturday’s dare was, In addition to saying nothing negative, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. While at a break between my daughters softball games at her tournament, I ran to a local sporting store to look at cleats for two of children. While I was standing in line to make my purchase, my eye caught the rack that held the Phiten Titanium braided sporting necklaces that my husband had mentioned he needed, because his had broken. Recently, he had decided to separate our finances, something that I was struggling with, and buying him anything right now honestly seemed unfair – but anyone who knows me also knows that I love spoiling my husband and kids…and in this case it did fall into the category of the dare. Stepping out of line, I grabbed him the necklace and then made my way back to the ball fields.
After getting their cleats, my son extremely excitedly, brought me the necklace with a raised eyebrow, nudging me in a manner to ask if it was his. His birthday is coming, and he expected it was his. I need to make a mental note on that one, because talk about heart break when I said it wasn’t for him – you’d think I took his birthday away! Anyhow, when my husband joined us – I reached into my purse and handed him the necklace as nonchalantly as possible, I didn’t want it to seem as a reward, because I was still hurting and it seemed odd to be giving him a gift. He asked why I had done that, and put it on instantly. I explained I knew he had wanted one. Sitting there as he was messing with it, I waited for a thank you, a kind remark – anything…I’d keep waiting, and I had to be okay with that because the point wasn’t for a response, or to gain recognition. Gifts are to be given without expectation. It made me realize maybe, I expect more than we are supposed to.
Sitting there watching my daughter play ball, my son play at the park, the sun was shining and my husband was sitting beside me. That is where he chose to be that day, at that time, necklace or no necklace – so for me that is success for Day 2.
Have you shown your spouse Kindness today?
Driving the other day I realized something that was almost hard to swallow. The only long term commitment I have stayed true to, is my children. The people who I could not live without, who I need by my side, to see, touch, everyday is my children. Other than them, my life has been filled with disposable items, disposable friendships, disposable relationships even. There is not one single item, that if I lost, would cause me to feel like I lost a piece of history or value. Could it be that the low sense of my own personal value – has contaminated everything else? Or could it be that I have lost so much in my life, that what’s the point of adding value to something deemed for destruction?
Committing, is obviously not impossible – as I am responsible enough, caring and loving enough to care for my children, to always do right by them. My love for them is an emotional connection, that feels as if my heart literally has a string connected to theirs. When they hurt, I feel it. When they are sad, I want to make it better. They are not disposable to me, and the feeling of losing them, letting them down, is the only thing that truly breaks my heart – to the point of where I don’t think I would come back from.
Friendships in my life have been conditional, based on trust, involvement and my desire for things to be right or fair. Although I know sometimes things simply are not fair. If I lose a friend for some reason or another, it hurts – but not from suffering the loss – usually its from feeling like I don’t understand why. The most hurtful loss, is the ones I don’t know what caused the demise in the first place, the ones where people turn away to never speak to you again. Mainly because, I would never do that.
If I do not like you, you will know. If I choose to stop being involved in your life, or allowing your involvement in mine – you will know. Not because I told someone else and they filled you in – because I will tell you myself. I have never been one that dislikes or likes someone because someone else does, or because they are around someone – its just not me. The person who is probably the closest person to me out of everyone had a best friend – and it took me years to finally see she was a pretty great person. Part of that I realize was jealousy on my part – the feeling that I was going to lose someone else, and my internal struggle with seeing myself as disposable. Today though, she and I are great friends. There are women in certain circles around me that I simply dislike – for what reason I don’t know – just don’t care to get invested or involved.
There has never been a moment in my life where my choices and convictions were not real or mine. Why would anyone choose to not live for themselves like that? Any failure, any blessing is on my shoulders – because of what I did in the process, somehow-somewhere. The ownership of that is most important. Maybe that’s why I handle loss better, because in a sense I can wrap it back to something that was my doing. OR because I truly believe that it needed to be this way. “Mistakes are like presents to me, the wrapping might be tattered and torn, the bow may have only a simple string hanging there, but inside under all the excess – is a gift.” Therefore – walking away from it – or being walked away from – makes sense.
This morning I woke up to a Facebook post from my little brother – saying how hard life can get sometimes and that he is blessed and continues to have trust and faith in his struggles and that he was thankful for his wife and his continuing closeness to me. It hurt me to read it – because there was a truth in that – We haven’t always been close. Being the oldest, my relationship with my two younger brothers has been – I don’t know – probably disconnected. I love my brothers, but I have also been able to exist without a relationship with them, and saying that makes me feel like a shitty sister. Truth is, I think I put my time and energy into those relationships in the moment. Maybe – I am a “moment” person – or just now realizing how truly messed up I am. While responding to my brother, I wanted him to know that I am blessed too in having a closer connection to him, that his heart is good, and I know great things are in store for him. In my head, I thought to myself he has to be pretty great , because both my mother and father loved him – he was the good son, and I was disposable. Maybe that is why I pulled away from my brother –
It was also the first real moment of dealing with the fact of apparently being hurt by my visit with my mom. I suppose it would be abnormal to truly not feel anything – so I am alright with it. The same I suppose goes with my father – he fought for me to only give up on me in the end. He has passed now, and that’s the final feeling I have. I’ve never said that before. He fought for me, to only give up on me in the end. Maybe that’s why I refuse to let my children down.
In relationships, I would get teased that I was in love with love, and when the going would get tough I would leave. Then, there was the time when the going got too tough and I wanted to prove I was going to stay – but in that instance it was okay to leave. My role in relationships ending has been on both sides, I’ve been wronged and hurt, and I have caused the hurt and left them. Love was always something I could find somewhere else, a connection that was never too deep enough to hurt, if the root was pulled from the ground. The whole would fill in eventually. Looking back, I can tell you that in the relationship with my children’s father – all in all – its a wash. If we had wanted it to work, we could have – we just simply didn’t and are better off. The next relationship – all my fault – all my doing – and something I carry around with me in this small town of everyone knowing – but also something I am okay with. I messed up – I messed up big BUT, I learned BIG too and yet again – we are better off. The next relationship was a year of hell – a year of proving I knew what I was doing – and although I can blame the demise on him rightfully so – it was my fault for being a dumb ass and getting involved in the first place. The odd part is, he is the only man I think I truly loved, the only relationship I really gave my all, and worked my ass off at – and the only relationship that has ever broke my heart.
Proving myself to people, prevailing, doing what others say I can’t, is the way I have lived my life. A get back of sorts – a proverbial fu&k you of sorts. You see, I am okay with who I am. Do I love who I am – no, but I am proud of who I am becoming. Not taking crap from people, or allowing their convoluted opinions of me break me down – is a blessing. Truth is I have prevailed in many ways, and I have been a good person, a caring person and I have loved immensely and truthfully. That is more than many have the privilege of. I’m thankful for that.
My marriage now is hard – its work – and that’s how I know its real. I have to let my husband in, forcing myself to trust him – which is a foreign concept. Trust is something I don’t understand. Why would I believe someone, and take the chance of being hurt? However, I trust my children – kind-of a funny concept, right? Maybe it’s because I have known them from the beginning? I know their ins and outs, the faces they make when they are fibbing or being truthful, and maybe its because I would love them either way. Maybe its because I know they will love me, either way as well. My life, is hard for even me to understand – I just have to keep at it, keep learning from my mistakes and at the end of day be thankful for the blessings I have.