I’m not a mom group type of mom

Let me preface this with saying there are many moms I love and adore – and genuinely enjoy spending time with. However, a group of cliquey moms, that is an entirely different story.

I’m a writer which means I am always thinking – if you could see the cyclone of words, ideas, thoughts memories etc., swirling in my head – you’d get dizzy. It also means that I feel emotions deeply, what impacts others impacts me. I don’t even have to know them, it can be a stranger, it can be a commercial even, if it involves emotions I’m sucked in faster than an unmatched sock while vacuuming. Also, being a writer means that I love to be alone. You can’t be alone in a group!

An acquaintance invited me once to a mom thing – and I just blew it! Shocking right?! I have this inability to b.s. my way through anything, I can’t be a fake to save my life and my facial expressions give me away every dang time. Truth is, I’ve done the trying to fit-in thing, and I’m just not a fit-in-able kind of girl let alone a club-cliquey kind of mom.

Fitting in is too much work for me. The energy it takes to be “always on” and pleasing is exhausting. My soul craves authenticity, messiness and side-splitting humor derived from lessons learned by making actual mistakes. If you are not a mistake maker or a recovering mistake maker, how could we ever chill on a couch trading mom stories together? We can’t! Here are some reasons I am in a solo mom clique. If you are anything like me, we should chat.

I leave dishes in the sink, laundry in a pile on the floor and we live in our house. I can’t have just anyone pop over uninvited!

My house is full of teenagers and then some, dogs, a husband that thinks where he takes off his clothes equates to a laundry basket and me… who sometimes ignores all of that and will leave it until tomorrow. Do I take pride in a clean home, oh you bet your sweet tushy – but will I leave it to spend time with my family – or savor a few moments of solitude, you better believe it. We are not a “for show” type of family. Our kids raise farm animals and my daughter has poop on her boots, our boys play sports and leave anything with wheels lying around the house and prepare yourself, our dog poops on the kitchen floor when it is to dang cold outside for his princely paws.

I’m allergic to b.s. and drama! Like, I will break out in hives and most likely say something I will totally regret.

Lying irks me beyond belief and I can spot someone who lies a mile away. Even adding to a story to make it more exciting, nope can’t handle it! So when someone is b.s.-ing their way through anything I am not liable for my reaction. It is like there is a meter that goes off and I just short-circuit. The word drama itself – is irritating. The definition is an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances. But here is the thing drama today is not exciting or unexpected. Just turn on Bravo or E!, and you won’t need drama. Problem solved.

Shots, Shots, Shots of…coffee???

I’m not a huge drinker so the mom groups of the like – I can’t hang. My daughter asked why I don’t ever just go out and be wild… oh honey! let me tell you. Did that, did that real well, and even bought the t-shirt! There is a time and place for a good time but I’m forty-years-old and taking shots isn’t exactly exciting anymore. It was more exciting when I was 20 and it was illegal. Or that one time I made hot chocolate with creme de menthe and took it to our sons baseball tournament – and couldn’t figure out why I took a nap in the car for a couple hours!!!! Yep! That happened, total mom fail but in my defense it was completely unplanned and so warm and delicious.

I’m a lover not a fighter. A positive Polly not a negative Nancy.

I used to be a fighter. There was immense enjoyment in calling people out, using my words to hurt or anger someone who had done the same to me, but not anymore. It is funny what living life, making mistakes and being human does for a person. Now, I just want to be happy, love others, include the outsiders, encourage and motivate people. Zero Judgment what-so-ever. Other women are not my competition and if it turns into one, I will bow out gracefully and let you win my friend. It must mean more to you if it’s important enough to fight for. Oh, and negativity! I just can’t. I’ve had a crappy life before and I mean reaalllyyyy crappy. If I can find positive in that pile of crap, so can you! You can do it, I believe in you!

Don’t tell me what they said about me, tell me why they were comfortable talking about me to you.

Susie will always have something to say about Sally. What I want to know is why you are telling me? And, how much of what I have shared with you, have shared with someone else? If they talk to you about someone else, they will most likely talk to someone else about you. That ain’t cool Karen! I think this past year was the most I’ve said, “I don’t want to know” and “It’s none of my business” ever in my life. And it is empowering! Not to mention, that I would most likely end up being friends with the person you are talking badly about because I am a huge fan of the outsiders, the underdogs and the misunderstood.

Good food for thought too is that the person you are gossiping about, the horrible thing you heard (keyword: heard) they did. It may just be something I’ve done in my past too. And, yes, I know you’ll say it is different because you love me – but is it really all that different? Really? Nope! Aren’t we supposed to love everyone and not judge anyone? How about you just put those stones down and you can thank me later, okay? Okay.

It’s not you, it’s me!

If there was a group of moms who supported instead of judged, talked to and not about and just loved God and their husbands while doing their very best to not raise crappy kids – that would be my group. Oh and loves food, comfy clothes and hallmark. And cusses sometimes, has peed their pants laughing at least once and has made mistakes. Yep, that is my mom group. Care to join?

The truth is…we lie.

I think I speak for most parents when I say we are pretty damn near perfect! I mean, who are we kidding here? If we do lie, it is completely for your own good and protection… or is it?

Document1_01

Okay, so the truth is we do tell white lies to our children in hopes to prolong the innocence they possess and to encourage make-believe and fairy-tales. White lies about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and that minions and oompa loompas totally exist in a world of chocolate covered scientific laboratories. Or, that one day prince charming will ride up on a white horse (or black if you prefer), sweep you up and all your worries will wash drown the drain, along side some calgon…and maybe a glass of wine, when you are thirty and still living at home playing with barbies, because you will be mommy’s sweet baby princess forever...for-ev-er! Oh wait, I got swooped up in those white lies again, dang it!

The truth is we flat out tell “whoppers” and sometimes it is for our own humor and selfishness. What are we going to do when our children get old enough to know better? I am lucky in that my daughter being two years older than her brother – helps with cover-ups. Wait, that sounds bad…but it is true.

In my jewelry box you will find an assortment of items, not just jewelry. In this particular case, my son was looking for something, and pulled out a small plastic baggy filled with baby teeth. As soon as I saw him holding them, I couldn’t move…and when I heard him ask “Mom are these my teeth?” I couldn’t mutter a sound. I just stood there thinking to myself, CRAP! Now, what? and looked at him. Then, my daughter swoops in and saves the day with a whopper all of her own “No, Gage, those are moms teeth from when she was little, but she probably has yours somewhere, cause you can buy them back from the tooth fairy – for memories!” Breathing now and able to speak again, I laughed and completely lied through my teeth and the bag of the teeth she was holding, and said “Yep, what your sister said!” Should I be worried or proud that she came up with that on her own? I don’t know, but while I ponder that thought here are some whoppers, white lies and fibs that parents use to get us through, and the truths that lie behind them.

Lie: When you get grounded it hurts us more.
Truth: We enjoy the quiet, and getting to watch what we want on tv.

Lie: The ice cream is all gone.
Truth: It is just cleverly hidden in another container in the freezer.

Lie: You can get pregnant from kissing or sitting in the hot tub with a boy.
Truth: We’re not stupid!

Lie: Eating veggies will put hair on your chest.
Truth: We have no idea if you will ever get hair on your chest.

Lie: The tooth fairy is off on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Truth: Mom or Dad either forgot, didn’t have ones or they get paid on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Lie: God emails me every day, I can just go check my inbox.
Truth: I am digging for answers and hope you still fear God and will tell me the truth.

Lie: If you keep making that face it will freeze like that.
Truth: It won’t.

Lie: Boy have cooties
Truth: Scientifically, girls actually have cooties.

Lie: The park is closed
Truth: We’re tired.

Lie: “Mom, what are you eating?” Answer “diet chocolate”
Truth: It’s not diet and I am not sharing.

Lie: Maybe, We will see.
Truth: I mean no, but I’m avoiding a melt down wherever we’re at currently!

Lie: If you swallow Watermelon seeds, they will grow in your tummy.
Truth: You are gonna poop watermelons. Oh wait, that’s another lie.

The truth is, that most of these are harmless and funny – which is good because I get in enough hot water for the amount of honesty and over indulging information I do share with my children. A good white lie, may be just what the kids may need these days. What are some whoppers you tell your children?

For more stories from Jessica, check out her blog at https://totallyjessifiable.wordpress.com

The “Theys” say…

You always hear people say “They say this, or They say that”, and I often wonder who this they person is and how exactly they know so dang much! Truth is, I am a they and you are too. One of the biggest things “they say” is to write what you know…which according to my husband leaves me not much to write about, but what does he know anyhow?

Truth is, my husband is actually quite supportive as of late, he was impressed seeing my blog, and the emails from step-moms all over either asking for advice or simply thanking me for starting the Facebook page. Even though I give him a lot of flack, we both know, he knows, I’m pretty smart and knowledgeable in a few things, one of which is being a mom. 

Growing up in the south, St. Mary’s Georgia to be exact, everyone knew JC James, which really was Jessie, but with the southern drawl it came out “JC”.  When I was four years old, I moved there with my grandparents because my grandfather was stationed at the local naval base in Kingsland, GA. Everyone went to the same church, the same grocery store, the same school, and so on. For as much as everyone knew about everyone, I don’t recall ever being asked by anyone, where my mother was, or even who she was for that matter. To be honest, I don’t recall if I ever questioned it either. 

Until a few years back I harbored great resentment towards her, for abandoning me, and not stepping up to the plate as a parent. Actually for years before that, I even believed that the stories I heard, the letters never received, birthdays  missed etc, were all because of some grand misunderstanding that would one day be cleared up and all would be forgotten. Then, one day this little dreamer, woke up and realized the only misunderstanding was the one I created out of hope. That’s where the resentment part came to play.

Holding my daughter when she was only a couple weeks old, and going over every tiny perfection, falling in love with every noise, every tiny wrinkle, every single detail she possessed, I couldn’t for the life of me understand why any woman would walk away from their child. In that moment, I made a vow to my daughter and myself to never be anything like the woman, who was nothing like me. That was almost ten years ago~ and I have succeeded. 

Over the years, I’ve had two conversations with the woman that gave birth to me, over the phone,  and they brought me to two conclusions. First is that the best thing to ever happen to me, the most fortunate experience of my childhood was this woman walking out and staying out of my life, because she did me a great favor – by not staying and completely ruining both of us. The other is that she never had any business being a mother – as she was battling demons that would never had allowed her the functionality or understanding of caring for another. She did of course create and give birth to me, which I am thankful for, their are other choices she could have made.

They say children born into broken homes, create broken homes, instinctively. They also say, those born into broken homes create protective homes and reverse the cycle. Personally, I like the second They’s better – much more positive in my opinion. See for me it is pretty simple, if you don’t like it, change it. No one decides who you are going to be, not the They’s or me, only you! If you ask me that’s a set of pretty great odds, a bet I would take any day. 

Am I a perfect parent? No way in gods green earth or the fiery hells below am I anywhere near it – BUT, and its a big BUT, I am a damn good note taker. My husband says I am the best mom, when he thinks I can’t hear him of course, or when he is defending my honor to our “beloved” or not-so-much Bio-mom of our son. I’m sure it tweaks her to no end to hear him say anything of the sort, but in my own defense I do have seven years more experience in failing and prevailing as a mother than her, and ten years of maturity by age alone – lets not go there now though! Maybe that’s where they say its takes a village to raise a child comes from. I was raised by a village, and now a village in a sense is raising my stepson. 

You have to figure this little man has three sides of family involved in his upbringing – the math alone on that could create a head spin! He has his mothers side, his fathers side, and my side. He gained a brother and sister, aunt, uncles, and many friends that have turned into family from me, and then the normal aunts, uncles, grandparents on both mom and dads side. That’s a lot of people! Think of it in terms of Christmas, birthdays, this little boy has it made in that department, and you know every set of family is over-compensating for the broken home created by mom and dad or circumstances of such. That’s another story for another time.

The main importance I know is that this little guy is happy, well-rounded, loved and adjusting normally – and I can assure you he is loved and cared for. But, I think we all know that well-rounded can be a struggle when being raised by so many different people, with different ideals, morals, backgrounds, beliefs – not to mention the underlying resentment of a step-mom loving another woman’s child. You do realize that to many, this is an offensive crime, punishable by tar and feathering, even hanging I am sure in some areas. In the post office of our local town, I am sure behind some random paper, there is a bounty on  my step-mom title, and step-mom head. (It would be a really high bounty I know, because I have a pretty great step-mom title and head too).

Truth is, well they say the truth is, kids are blessed to have more love, than not enough, more family then none, and more parents than one, these days. Since I like these statistics, I must agree with the theys in this matter as well. So far the theys have it!  

Being in my early (very early!) – okay early mid thirties, I’ve never have called a woman mom, or felt like I had one until marrying my husband. I never knew how it felt to come home and lay my head in a mothers lap, and have her run her fingers through my hair, like I do my daughters. I never knew how it felt to come home and cry in arms that accepted me completely, that created a safe place to simply unravel. I never knew what it felt like to have someone be proud of me, to tear up when I got an award, or was caught doing something small yet monumental. These are all moments that I have with my children, I know how it feels to be the mom, to hug, to hold, the pride and unconditional love that exists between them and myself – but I do not know how it feels to be the child. That kills me still to this day to never have felt that sense of contentment, belonging, to be unconditionally loved by anyone. And, I simply refuse to allow that pattern to continue for my children, including my step-son. 

He is a blessing to me, a gift there was no way of creating myself. His heart is genuine, pure and I will be damned if anyone treats him as anything less than he deserves. I don’t want him being thirty years old and questioning whether he ever made anyone proud, whether he was wanted, loved or important. I want this little man to grow up to teach his children that love knows no bounds, no bloodlines, no limits – and that every person deserves to be loved by another. What we teach our children now, we are also teaching our children’s, children. At least that what They Say.

Attention world…I am now an awarded StepMom!

In case you weren’t already convinced of my Step-Mom awesomeness – this AWARD now proves it!

Today after meeting with my publisher with the list of oh so many things to do, I received the Laine Blogger Award from a wonderful fellow blogging Mom,  Mom-Spirational, and for a second I was reminded how great I must actually be!

There is of course, as with any hard earned award, a catch.  I must now share with you all the answers to 5 super embarrassing and hugely evasive questions ( you only wish) and then pass on this daunting task to 5 other equally if not more deserving bloggers who I personally think ROCK the sense of BEAUTY in a blogging sense.

So here goes.

1.  What is Your Current Beauty Obsession?

Easily Victoria’s Secret Such a Flirt body lotion. There is something to be said for a lotion that takes a rushed 10 minute shower of a thirty-something mom of 3, whose children believe that shower time is not private time, nor any time in the bathroom for that matter (see there is the evasive embarrassing part) and makes you feel like you just soaked in starfruit and white orchid milk bath! Oh the secrets Victoria holds.

2.  What is the One Beauty Item You Wish You Owned?

A secret high tech weapon that terrified the crap out of any hair on my body and didn’t cost a dime! No shaving, no tweezing my eyebrows or sitting in the car at a stoplight utilizing the BEST natural light that finds every imperfection and those same 3 chin hairs that pop up in the same spot every other day…but then again what would I do without the need for that control of finding and plucking those little boogers!?!

3.  What is Your Favorite Topic To Read About?

Honest, true-life, biographies about any person that wasn’t/isn’t afraid to admit to the world that they messed up, didn’t follow the path of everyone else, that did their own thing, and figured life out. People baring their souls to the judgement of our ridiculous world is very inspiring!

4. What Inspired You to Become a Blogger?

In short, you always hear people say they didn’t ask for your opinion, or want it. Well in my opinion my opinion is a good one to matter, so I made a place where people come for just that, MY OPINION!

However, on a more real side, I like millions of others, have been through hell and back – and with what I have been through, there is no way I could let the lessons I struggled though, the paths I built one pebble at a time, go un-shared, and un-validated to the many people who need to know they aren’t alone.

5.  What nail polish are you wearing right now?

Nail polish – nope, nada – ACRYLIC – Rockstar Baby!! Its a sparkly blue which makes the sounds on the keys as I type either as happy or irritated as I feel like being.

And now for the awesome part…..My 5 choices of blogging awesomeness

A family Rearranged

Becoming a Stepmom

A Blogger and a Father

Strong Stepmom

SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

Thanks again for blog-spiration!