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Two P’s in a Poop

I got suckered in. That is how it happened.

I’m sure the same has happened to you as you scroll through your newsfeed on Facebook and some silly post catches your eye. For me, it was – – type your name into Google with “is a” after it and see what comes up. Clearly I was avoiding working and jumped right on this humor train. Typing it in, I dreamt up all the cool possibilities, Jessica is a Rockstar, Firecracker, Comedian, maybe even a Genius…but nope, I got, Jessica is a poop. Too bad the search terms weren’t “is the” instead of “is a” but some day I will be the poop, it is a dream I will keep striving for.

Somewhere it amused me just enough to recruit my house husband to do the same and see what the google gods would spit out. Matthew is a poopyhead, is what we got. Jessica is a poop, and Matthew is a poopy head.

“Of course you would be the head poop, because you are so bossy” I say to him as I am flicking him – well poop. Then it hits me “We are two P’s in a poop, you know like two peas in a pod, but poop, oh my goodness there is two p’s in poop – get it?” At this point I am dying laughing, and he is laughing solely because I have obviously cracked myself up – and every time I say something funny, I follow it up with, “get it?” to which he always replies – “Yes, I got it!” Ah, this man gets me every time.

Goofiness is next godliness, it far surpasses cleanliness – trust me. Although, there was that one time they all collided at once.

Early one morning, I thought I’d slip into the shower and surprise Mr. Poopyhead, I just didn’t realize the kind of slipping that would be involved. At the time I slipped in, he was fully soaped up, and as soon as he turned, and saw me, he slipped and slid trying to maintain balance, which at that moment was none at all, and before I knew it, he was on his back half in and half out of the shower – with a look of humiliation and “why would you do that” all over his face. I DID NOT LAUGH, but I wanted to, so badly. Reaching for a place to grab to help him up was tricky, but we did manage it. After he dried off, he says to me “I bet that would of been funny to watch” and I erupted with the laughter I had held in. He quickly followed with “I’m guessing this will be on your page later, huh?” And, I fell in love with him a little more.

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When you like someone, it’s cool, but when you like and love someone – its far better. His bad days are my bad days, and vice versa. When he wakes up cranky, I’m not above dancing naked and being a goofball to make him laugh. Or waiting until he gets all dried off from a shower to spray him with the shower hose, or after he washes all the soap off – to either rub my soapiness on him, or just squirt the bottle of soap all over his back. One thing I don’t do is sneak into the shower anymore. In fact, I loudly announce now that I am joining him, and to stop soaping up!!

We have fun, we laugh, we enjoy each other, and if I had to choose who to be two P’s in a poop with, its him, hands down every time.

Wal-Mart reminds me to love Fat Costumes

By now I’m sure you along with every other pissed off plus sized woman has seen or read about the travesty of Wal-Mart. How dare they! How could they? Those assholes. I’m no size 2, 6, 8 or even 10 – but what I am is not concerned with bashing Wal-Mart along with the rest of you.

Maybe in your head it plays out something like this; Corporate Wal-Mart purposely and maliciously enacts a team skinny initiative. It will launch at 12:01 a.m. and be viral within hours. Prior to the live launch Headquarters and Stores nationwide held conferences on how this will piss off millions, how sales will drastically decrease, and plus sized people everywhere will be humiliated and outraged. We will rule the world one skinny person at a time.  Muahahaha! Initiate team skinny domination in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Or, some asshole idiot that updates their website, who is probably pissed off over the fact that he/she like many other employees work their ass off, with little pay or recognition decides to type “Fat Girl Costumes” into the code matrix, pops some popcorn, then sits back waiting for the show to start. And, their final check.

Weight is a hefty issue, pun intended, and I don’t think fat or skinny is at all relevant anymore. Pitch perfect’s most loved character was FAT AMY for god’s sake! I wanted to be Rebel Wilson for Halloween last year, so if I made myself heavier looking I am horrible person? Are you freaking kidding me?

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What about MADEA, Tyler Perry plays her in all the Madea movies, he wears a fat suit, with big ole floppy boobies and a house coat! I love her, and have thought of being her. Is that making fun of old African-American heavyset women? Or appreciating a hilarious character that isn’t afraid to speak her mind and using a hyster to dump a car on its roof, when a lady steals her parking spot!? I.loved.that.part!

In fact some of the greatest movies include fat suits. Here are just a few: Robin Williams, as Mrs. DoubtfireMartin Lawrence in Big Momma’s House, Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, Mike Meyer’s as Fat Bastard in Austin Powers!

In other words, we are able to appreciate the humor until someone unknowingly pisses us off? Oh my, did you see, Wal-Mart offers a Fat Tinkerbell costume for men, and a fat suit in general? Who cares? If my guy dressed up as Fat Tinkerbell, it would be funny. And, the fat suit, would totally help me pull off being Madea, and most likely cheaper than going to other costume shops who will no doubt have the same type of costumes.

It has nothing to do with being fat, or not being fat – it’s about having fun. And, if you are this sensitive over your weight, then I’m going to say what every other person is thinking, do something about it besides bitching and complaining online or on twitter.  Your issues with weight, and the worlds insensitivity to it, are yours. If you are thick and in charge, love it and rock it – more power to you! If you’re not happy, fix that, within yourself and finding healthy alternatives. Because waging wars with every person, site, publication and store that offends you in some way is a never ending battle, the will never be won.

And, because none of this really had anything to do with Wal-Mart anyway.

Dads are kind-of Awesome!

Dad verses mom appears to be an easy win for Moms, right? You’d think it would be a slam dunk because we are natural multi-taskers, nurturers, nurses, teachers, homemakers, maids, etc. I mean, come on, we literally do it all! Or, do we? We can tease them and share random facts which are absolutely true and humorous like these things…

Dads never sleep, they are simply resting their eyes. Even if they are snoring – they are resting their eyes damn it!

Dads can’t change diapers, they will throw up! It is a scientific fact – proven by the obnoxious, melodramatic gagging met my our mere thought of even asking for help.

Dads can’t go grocery shopping. Cheap, coupons, budget and list are not words that exist in his vocabulary.

Dads have a whole different time frame. In a minute – can literally be in a minute or the minute they see you actually doing what you asked.

Dads clean house without being asked for three reasons. 1. Sex 2. They want something 3. They did something already.

However, the truth is dads are kind-of AWESOME!   Yes, there are single parents who fulfill the role of both parents, and this isn’t meant to negate that in any way… but there are some things I think dads just do better than moms. 

First, dads know sports. They are the first to teach competition, the desire and drive to win, to be #1, the absolute best at anything and everything. They teach dedication, practice makes perfect and its okay to fall down as long as you get back up again. And, it’s a bonus for Moms because there is nothing more sexier than seeing your spouse out playing sports with the kids!

Second, dads understand that “mom doesn’t understand”. I mean, who better to understand being misunderstood than dad, right? You can tell him everything, and he can completely sympathize.

Third, dads are a sons best friend. They know everything boys. Video games, sports, fishing, ball games, hunting, you name it they can do it together!  They also know all about those “changes”, why your son is still in the shower, why mom may not want to clean up those dirty socks on the floor, or lift up the mattress at a certain age. Needless to say anything further.

Fourth, dads are natural conquerors. Whatever you need, they have an idea of what they can construct to do it! They can also get anything down from the ceiling, the roof, the top shelf etc. They know just how to fix, or repair whatever a child needs especially if it creates a project! (Extra kudos if said project supersedes mom’s honey do list) Same with lessons on cars, car repairs, etc. They are great at teaching with their hands, those are their best tools.

Fifth, dads are a daughters first love. A simple bat of the eyes, and daddy you are my favorite teaches little girls and grown women how to get exactly what they want! They are natural protectors and create that first sense of safety for a little girl. Daddy’s are everything to a little girl. They don’t care that she doesn’t wear a skirt, or that she has dirt on her face, they love that she can bait a hook, and loves to play with worms – they love little girls who can be boys when the time calls for it. (Now, boys that want to be girls…that’s a whole different ballgame)

Sixth, dads are calm. They diffuse situations and make sense out things, they are a natural peacemaker between mom and her children. You can call dad and even if he is pissed, disappointed or hurt, he will remedy what he can. He will also let you fall on your face, if it proposes to teach a good lesson.

The final thing I think dads do best, is teaching their children how to be a good husband, father, wife and mother. They watch the relationship between mom and dad, they see the way dads are supposed to be, how dad treats mom, and it sets forth an example and expectations for both sons and daughters. It is best said in this quote “The best thing a father can do for his children, is love their mother” and it is quite true.

read more at totallyjessifiable.wordpress.com

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The truth is…we lie.

I think I speak for most parents when I say we are pretty damn near perfect! I mean, who are we kidding here? If we do lie, it is completely for your own good and protection… or is it?

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Okay, so the truth is we do tell white lies to our children in hopes to prolong the innocence they possess and to encourage make-believe and fairy-tales. White lies about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and that minions and oompa loompas totally exist in a world of chocolate covered scientific laboratories. Or, that one day prince charming will ride up on a white horse (or black if you prefer), sweep you up and all your worries will wash drown the drain, along side some calgon…and maybe a glass of wine, when you are thirty and still living at home playing with barbies, because you will be mommy’s sweet baby princess forever...for-ev-er! Oh wait, I got swooped up in those white lies again, dang it!

The truth is we flat out tell “whoppers” and sometimes it is for our own humor and selfishness. What are we going to do when our children get old enough to know better? I am lucky in that my daughter being two years older than her brother – helps with cover-ups. Wait, that sounds bad…but it is true.

In my jewelry box you will find an assortment of items, not just jewelry. In this particular case, my son was looking for something, and pulled out a small plastic baggy filled with baby teeth. As soon as I saw him holding them, I couldn’t move…and when I heard him ask “Mom are these my teeth?” I couldn’t mutter a sound. I just stood there thinking to myself, CRAP! Now, what? and looked at him. Then, my daughter swoops in and saves the day with a whopper all of her own “No, Gage, those are moms teeth from when she was little, but she probably has yours somewhere, cause you can buy them back from the tooth fairy – for memories!” Breathing now and able to speak again, I laughed and completely lied through my teeth and the bag of the teeth she was holding, and said “Yep, what your sister said!” Should I be worried or proud that she came up with that on her own? I don’t know, but while I ponder that thought here are some whoppers, white lies and fibs that parents use to get us through, and the truths that lie behind them.

Lie: When you get grounded it hurts us more.
Truth: We enjoy the quiet, and getting to watch what we want on tv.

Lie: The ice cream is all gone.
Truth: It is just cleverly hidden in another container in the freezer.

Lie: You can get pregnant from kissing or sitting in the hot tub with a boy.
Truth: We’re not stupid!

Lie: Eating veggies will put hair on your chest.
Truth: We have no idea if you will ever get hair on your chest.

Lie: The tooth fairy is off on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Truth: Mom or Dad either forgot, didn’t have ones or they get paid on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Lie: God emails me every day, I can just go check my inbox.
Truth: I am digging for answers and hope you still fear God and will tell me the truth.

Lie: If you keep making that face it will freeze like that.
Truth: It won’t.

Lie: Boy have cooties
Truth: Scientifically, girls actually have cooties.

Lie: The park is closed
Truth: We’re tired.

Lie: “Mom, what are you eating?” Answer “diet chocolate”
Truth: It’s not diet and I am not sharing.

Lie: Maybe, We will see.
Truth: I mean no, but I’m avoiding a melt down wherever we’re at currently!

Lie: If you swallow Watermelon seeds, they will grow in your tummy.
Truth: You are gonna poop watermelons. Oh wait, that’s another lie.

The truth is, that most of these are harmless and funny – which is good because I get in enough hot water for the amount of honesty and over indulging information I do share with my children. A good white lie, may be just what the kids may need these days. What are some whoppers you tell your children?

For more stories from Jessica, check out her blog at https://totallyjessifiable.wordpress.com

Grocery Store Friendships…

aquaI’m not perfect – but luckily neither is anyone else, right?! Truth is, sometimes I think I am right – or smarter – or better and I suppose at times that’s possible – but sometimes it’s not.

You know the girl, who hangs back – who doesn’t interact and is more of an observer? The one that may possibly get a little bit more involved or loud with a couple of lemon drops? That’s me!  Jokingly, I’ll tell people I am not a people person – I am incapable of bullshit and can not be held responsible for whatever flies out of my mouth at any random moment – about any random topic! So, I stay back – observe and wait .

It used to be that I never liked someone the first time I met them, ever. You know the term – First impressions are everything?, well I needed two at least. Especially, if you were a woman – oh my goodness gracious can women be so catty, bitchy, and I mean down right ugly to be around. My Grandmother used to use the term “Pretty is as pretty does” and there are some ugly, ugly women out there.  From reading previous posts of my mine, you may know that I am not huge on TRUST, and I’m sure that plays into that whole situation as well.

For the most part, I exist without being noticed, and I like that. I like being in the spotlight or limelight when its important, when I am standing up for something I strongly believe in, or when it is necessary – otherwise I am perfectly content in the back ground.  When you see the girls that run up to their girlfriends and hug and squeal, that’s not me. When you see the girls who are always in a pack, wearing the same clothes, not me either! In fact I am so far the opposite that I will actually punish myself in order to make sure I don’t follow the others – I’m serious.

Take this for instance; I had decided to get my nose pierced  which in and of itself its ridiculous because I am still traumatized from my second holes in my ear being pierced when I was twelve! But, that’s not the point. anyhow I had made the brave decision to do this and was going to go with my two closest girlfriends. They ended up going without me for whatever reason (I’m assuming it was a good one) and got theirs done.  So, now – I won’t do mine. It irritated me that they did it, something I wanted to do, and now if I go do it, it’s just copying them – and I don’t copy! Pretty freaking lame, right?? I’m proving a point that hurts me? How dumb can I be, really? But that’s me –

If I have the opportunity to stay home alone, or go pal around with a friend for the day – I’ll stay home. Quiet is an amazing wonderful thing, especially having a family – I relish the unneeded, relaxing time of being alone. Just like in a car – I will drive somewhere on some days with no music on – just silence.  Just me, my thoughts, and the road – which is good and bad – considering you arrive somewhere and wonder how in the hell you got there because you can’t remember the drive at all! However, in my defense I was raised by a grandfather that thought car rides were for quiet time, to reflect, and not for pointless chatter. Don’t get me wrong there are times, I blast my music loud, or chat with girlfriends – but there are also times for silence.

Part of the reason I am not a girly girl, or one that likes to hang around the same group of girls or couples is that I would rather not know them “that well”. Meaning, that I like grocery store friendships– as I call them. The kind where you smile and say hi, goochy goo to  their baby, ask how they are, then go on your way. Nothing too personal, and best of all nothing too drawn out! People and their lives are much better left private in my mind. Assuming that their life is great – works for me.  When you pal around with someone you learn all their demons, as they do you. You learn that their marriage isn’t perfect – which of course we all already know that – but you know what I mean. They call when all hell is breaking loose, and sooner or later you get to the point of where your involved, maybe in the middle and then BAM! just like that things are AWKWARD!

For me, if you’re doing something stupid, I am going to tell you. If you ask me something, I will be brutally honest and will not sugar coat anything – it is just not me. If you call me crying because your special someone just hit you and you don’t want him to leave you, I will give you two things. First, some sympathy because I was there before. Second, T&T – Truth and Tools and to get out. If you choose to stay, please understand why I choose to keep my distance as well. It’s not that I lack empathy or sympathy because I have gobs and gobs of it – but I know that until someone is ready to help themselves, there is no amount of sympathy that will help them. None what-so-ever~

For the most part – this is me. There are my solid life-long friendships I will always have and treasure – ones that get the good parts of me. For those I am thankful for, because I thrive in those, they fill me up and I hope I do the same for them.  But, outside of that I am just the girl who stays back, who will have your back if needed and for the right reasons and is happy and used to fighting my way through being an original.

What do you think about Grocery Store Friendships?

See you next blog – Jess

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