Well, bitch away!

This post is dedicated to Allie who sent me this text, I’m sure she will love taking the credit for my diarrhea of the mouth, for your reading pleasure. Alliecovo

Patience tested √
Give a damn busted √
Over ev.er.y.thing and e.v.e.r.y.one! √
Job sucks √
Money sucks √
People suck √
Trapped in life √

Well, there you have it! My weeks checklist of negativity. Actually, I loathe negativity, which is ironic because being a realist is basically being a bi-polar bestie with negativity! Go figure!

A dear friend of mine, Amber, whom you can’t help but completely adore, is just one of those happy go lucky, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, kind of gals. Her home is built with rose colored walls, shutters and doors. The sun literally shines out of this girls ass, I kid you not!  And, even she is having a bad week! Do you understand now, that we are dealing with some serious bullshit here?!?

If you watch Big Brother, you know one of the HOH’s is Frankie Grande (yes, Ariana Grande’s brother) he is the one with a pink mohawky hairstyle, who is fabulously…well, fabulously Frankie!  A.n.y.w.a.y.s. he has coined a term whether he is aware of this or not, that I have taken hostage. The term: “I’m going to freak the frankie out!” And, well, not only has that become my new saying, but I’ve also totally considered changing my name to Frankie! Okay, that’s a lie, but I’m willing to bet you sense my level of dedication to my new-found term!!

At random moments this week, I have wanted to freak the Frankie out, maybe Frannie and Farley too, who knows, with this week anything is possible!  Have you ever just let yourself go, and lose it? Maybe screamed out loud, or into a pillow? Maybe cried, you know the sobbing kind of gut wrenching – snotty – gonna throw up – hyperventilating cry? I would actually completely advise against it, if you can avoid it, because I did that once, after my ex-husband left, it was really – SUPER – pathetic! It felt great after I’ll give you that, but the “during” part was bad, and I am sure I looked hideous, because I am not one of those pretty criers. BUT, I got it all out and could move forward.  This week though, I can’t do even a little of that. It is as if I am re-living the horrible movie  “Groundhog Day”, and its skipping, in an old worn-out dvd player! The energy it would take to get up, walk over to the dvd player, and either beat it, or take the disc out, break it or fling it out the window, just feels like too much work, you know?

Here’s the deal, if I could get away with it, I would tell off probably four, maybe five people. One would cost me my job – so can’t go there, plus it is unprofessional (input eye roll here). Two people, wouldn’t give a shit, and would laugh at my allowing them to live rent free in my head – so my pride refuses a visit there. One of the two remaining is just being an immature selfish ass – and usually they are blissfully unaware and unaffected, making any attempt of mine – pointless. And, the last person, well poop on a stick – I can’t even remember who it is after writing about the other four. Ugh! See . what . I . mean? I can’t even formulate a freaking thought this week.

I suppose it is my own fault for not listening when my grandfather used to tell me “stop being so affected!” Apparently  that advice helped me immensely, since I am now, thirty-four and still freaking affected! I am pretty sure I’m stuck this way! There is no hope for me, I cry at commercials, I am a FEELER, people! and I love that.

Hi, my name is Jessica and I am a feeler. There, now can we move on to step two? I mean, who wants to not feel?

When life is happy – I feel happiness, when life sucks – I feel sucky, and so on with every other emotional fruit in the messed up fruit basket of life!  I would rather feel than eat that basket of fruit though, because I have a pretty good feeling “sucky” tastes shitty! Just sayin’ (P.S. that was for Austin Blood)

This may very well be the first blog that I have written that lacks any real point – other than to bitch, complain and vent. Oh, by the way, I now remember the last person I wanted to go off on, and here is what I would say to them “If you are my friend, be my friend! Be my friend all the time, every time, all the way…period.the.end. Pretty freaking simple if you ask me, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I am – who I am, that is NEVER going to change. Want to know why? Because, I LOVE ME! I do. I don’t want to be you, or her, or him, or them – just me. My life is just that, mine. Don’t waste your energy judging me, worry about your damn self.  Not that there is anything wrong with them or you – I just have this prior life-long commitment thing going on with myself already, you know? Why would I throw that out the window to be anything different?” <—- See, I am funny – sometimes I crack myself up with my thoughts. Too bad there isn’t a Facebook relationship status of: Prior commitment with self.

Last night, laying in bed with my favorite, (who is one person who didn’t end up on my shit list this week, thank goodness) I said: “Sometime’s I feel like you are the only person who likes me” and he said “That’s cause I am.”

While, realistically I know this isn’t true, I have friends that love me, blah blah blah, I didn’t care. He was the only person I wanted to like me, because then I wasn’t alone in liking myself already. No wonder we fit so well. In the end, it is FRIDAY, I made it another week, and so did you, pat yourself on the back a toast something yummy to that!

 

I understand…but yet I don’t think I do – Does that make any sense at all?

If three years ago my children came home and said they were calling dads gf Mom, or any variation of it, I would have cringed, possibly even thrown the most immature womanly hissy fit, yelled at my ex, and told my children no way in hell could they or would they call her anything but by her first name. Is this acceptable behavior, you may ask…the answer very simply is NO. Further more, realizing where this intenal fight to be Primo Mom, is within yourself. Its an insecurity, its being worried that someone else is better, is taking better care, or TAKING OVER.

Let me tell you this, its not going to happen, if you are a good mom. If your slacking, then yes you  have every right to be scared. However, no right to tell your child they can’t call someone who acts as a mother, Mom, and especially not letting them love someone who is good to them. But, if your a good mom, an attentive, loving, caring mother, noone can take your place – as scary as it feels, its not going to happen. Even more, even if your a really bad mom, some kids still want that, they love you unconditionally, regardless of acts, size, beauty, money…etc. You are mommy…and thats where being a StepMom sucks!

Now, fast forward three years, I’m remarried, with the most loving, most adorable little StepSon who is only 3. He calls me Mom, and my heart, mind and soul forget everyday, he wasnt born from me. Hence, a few of the many reasons BM hates me. Hate isn’t a generalization of the term, its literal. I’m also certain, there is a bounty or hit out for my head or body somewhere! This woman thinks I rode in on a son stealing stepmom donkey and am on a mission to brainwash him into thinking I the best. There is no son stealing donkey, although there is a donkey – but we shalt not name names. 🙂

Anyhow, Ive been in my wonderful SS life since he was one, and since my kiddos call me mommy, he just started one day. I, because of what I shared above, was 150 million % against it (I dont think I wrote that percentage correct) and kept correcting him to my name. Until one night, my Mother-In-Law pulled me aside and made a pretty great point, that stuck from that night on. She told me that if he is comfortable calling me that, and of his own will, I should let him. The reason being that I wouldnt want to make him feel any less important, any less loved, or any less one of my children. And, she was right! Who am I to make this loving child that knows I do what moms do, not be his mom.

After all, I bathe him, I dress him, feed him, snuggle him when he wants loves, carry him when he is too tired to walk, kiss away his booboo’s, play with him, love him, rock him to sleep, all the things every mom does. So, why should I get some stirmatized label, of the worted witch that needs a nose job to hide the hairy funk on her face? OR, be called by my name? I shouldn’t and I don’t.

There has been one backlash from this, unrealized and now unable to remedy I might add. I think my SS, is far smarter than many people realize a 3 year old can be. Because, quickly he started referring to me when he would talk to his BM, as MommyJessica, and when he would talk to me, it was MommyKatie for his BM. With all the redirection in the world..this has not stopped. Even, with his BM telling him I am not his mom, that he cannot call me his mom, and that we only have one mom and its her, he hasn’t stopped. He did come home of course and tell me, that BM has a secret special name for me, and what it was – its a lovely word that rhymes with Witch – you know with the hairy wort-mole and all. She is a real peach 🙂

Anyhow, I understand her distate for him calling me mommy, because I was there before, but until she is in the same position, she will never truly see the full picture. Granted I am quite a few years older than her, and he is her only child, I understand that, I understand her worry, her fight to be Super Mom, to have him all to herself, but I don’t understand why she can’t just appreciate the fact that he is happy, loved and cared for – After all, isnt that really all that matters?Image

Nothing like you…

Today, is one of those days when I find myself wondering what exactly was done to me to make me the way I am. Afraid to trust, needing control, terrified to lose love, to gain it, undeserving of it even. I know it stems from him, and it makes me hate him, and it makes me wonder what the hell he was thinking, what he thought he would gain from it. Did he treat me the way he did, because he thought it was best and would benefit me? Did he realize he was ruining me, setting me up for constant failure and heartbreak? Would a father really purposely do that to his daughter? Does he see me from wherever it is he is spending eternity, and feel remorseful for knowing he was behind it all, has he asked for forgiveness, or even received it?

I’m glad he died, maybe more than glad, but in a small place somewhere, I suppose there is this tiniest part that is sad. Not because I want him alive, or to have a relationship with him, but more so to have him see me, to see that I made it regardless of his purposeful setbacks. I struggle with my inner demands, but I am mother, a wife, an employee, a friend, a sister and am loved by many. Does that bother him, or make him proud, or does it not register at all? I will never know. Dad, wherever you are,this is for you;

I’m still angry, I am still hurt, and I hate you and all you did to me. You killed me internally, you have made me reject love, you made me question myself, my worth. You were not a father to me, you were a monster. You hurt me, physically, but even more mentally. You made me ugly, and made me feel ugly, you set me up, you made me fail, you never supported me, you were never there for me, you never held me when I was sad, or protected me when I was scared. You never brushed my knees off when I fell, and told me I can do it, just try again. You humiliated me, you shared my private life with the world, only to embarrass me. You lied, cheated, stole, and had me do the same for you- to earn your love, which I never got. And the day I had enough, when I was 17, and I tried to take my life to get away from you – instead of being scared and thankful I was alive, you told me to do it again – to try harder to die this time. Who does that? Who wants their child to die? Who hates their own child like that? What did I ever do to deserve it?

Because of you, I will hug my children too much, I will listen to their cares and concerns, I will nurse every scrape, and broken heart. I will never gain joy from their pain, or failures, and I will do everything within my power to help them succeed. Because of you, everyday I will tell my daughter I love her, and that she is beautiful and smart, and capable of anything her heart wants. I will tell my son, he is my world, that he is important, that he is kind, with a big heart, and that he too can accomplish whatever goals he sets in life. I will show them they can count on me, that they can always call me, that they can trust me, and that no matter what circumstances they face, I will always stand behind them, and support them and love them unconditionally. Because of you, I care more, I love deeper, and I fight harder, to be nothing like you!