Imagine my surprise while Twitter alerted me that DivorcedMoms.com had tweeted a link to me. Of course I click on it, and too my surprise and almost embarrassment – there is my story. There is my story, and there is my name. There was no hiding from this now, it was out there.
I had in fact sent them this personal writing as a pitch idea for those going through divorce. To share how I felt in those first few months, the emotions that came and went – so that anyone else in my shoes could feel as if they were no longer alone.
But there it was, in black and white. My fears, my life, my inner most personal details were screaming at me from their site. While feeling proud, and in shock at the same time – I figure that if they posted it that quickly and without any communication, it must be worth reading. Click the link below to read what I never thought anyone would, and what the inner workings of infidelity and divorce feel like.
It is important to mention I have zero medical educational training, besides a medical terminology course which means nothing. Any of my friends can vouch that 98% of my medical knowledge stems from a pain or abnormality that sends me to WebMD resulting in a self diagnosis or some sort of terminal cancer – which in reality was just a simple illness.
The other night my son came out of the shower holding his hear saying it hurt. If you read my previous blog “Mommy I don’t feel so good” you’ll remember he is the only one who was spared by the awful flu. Of course it now makes sense for him to get sick, as we are all well again! Either way, I warm up a heat pack, give him two children tylenol meltaways and let him get in my bed. Within twenty minutes he is in complete tears – and truly in horrible pain. I swear to you, earaches and toothaches are the devil, and they are not time sensitive or friendly! When those two pains hit – they hit hard!
Of course we had nothing that we needed, and it was after 9pm, so I turned to pinterest, in hopes of a home remedy for earaches and there were many. You can wound up crushed garlic in a cloth and place in the ear, or make a onion paste with onion powder and water and cake it on the outside of the ear – I tried both…smelled delicious, but didn’t work. A simple post of my facebook wall resulted in many tried and true home remedies.
By then end, and following a quick trip to the store by “boyfriend wonder”, we tried, tylenol, warm pack, garlic, onion paste, melted vapo-rub lightly placed on the inside of the ear (burned), peroxide and olive oil warmed with crushed garlic. The garlic infused olive oil worked! And we slept after what seemed like the longest three hours OF MY LIFE! My son is attached to every possible spot of my heart strings, he cries and my heart literally crumbles, and I stress..I am such a complete stress case! In fact, I don’t know how many times I was talked out of running my son to ER by “boyfriend wonder”, for an earache. I just wanted him fixed and to please stop crying…PLEASE…GOD…STOP… CRYING! I feel pretty confident in my mothering skills for the most part, but I can tell you when it comes to incessant crying without the ability to fix it, whining, or repetitive noises, I stress and do anything I can to make it stop including trying fifteen home remedies you could make a delicious meat rub with!!!
Now, that we are all better I wanted to share how to make the garlic infused olive oil incase your kiddo get sick at the most in opportune time, and hopefully saving you a trip to your doctor or the ER if you are anything like me.
Heat up 1/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil
1 clove crushed garlic
3 minutes over medium heat
Steep together until cool
Strain oil through strainer, removing the garlic
Tilt head 180%
With a dropper place 2-3 drops in inflamed ear
Put in the affected ear while laying down
Let the mixture seep in the ear for a few minutes
And viola! Or at least hopefully viola..in our case it was! See you soon following our next mommy emergency, meltdown or humorous encounter.
Today marks day 12 of the Love Dare, technically I should be on Day 13, but I struggled with one of the days. One of the reasons for doing this, and tracking the progress on my blog is to give those of you who think things might feel “impossible” a little help in seeing, it doesn’t have to be.
On Day 12, a portion of it says this:
No, you won’t always see eye-to-eye. You’re not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary. Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won’t have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from.
Truth is this is a HUGE relief! Sometimes the most common phrase I think to myself, and even at times spout with frustration and confusion is “What in the hell do we have in common? We couldn’t be more opposite!” But, what a boring life that would be. Right?! Hearing that we aren’t supposed to be carbon copies made me not only feel better, but also made me proud of all the little things that I bring to our marriage – and forced me to look more in depth at what it is that my husband brings in as well. Shockingly – there are many 🙂
Yes, they bring in irritation, frustration, exes, baggage, past issues, BUT so do we. One of my biggest downfalls is control – I can (and most often do) better at things when it comes to the things I like done my way…get it – my way! Take for instance cleaning the house, when I am done my husband almost always asks “Is someone coming over?” he thinks you clean for company and just brush off the counters for normal days. Schedules with the kids are another difference, I am incredibly stressed when he is late getting home and the kids are alone – even though they are old enough to handle it.
The other day he went to pickup the youngest from daycare, and somehow talked with his cousin who runs the daycare for two hours – while the older two were home alone. Smoke was billowing out of my ears – I just couldn’t understand why, when he knew the kids were home alone, he wouldn’t grab the youngest and head straight home – I couldn’t understand that – because “I” would never do it. That doesn’t make him wrong..it is a difference. We get so stuck in how “we” feel, and how “we” would do things, that the attacks become personal instead of personal preference. He is not a bad dad, or husband because he did that – and because of this dare – I had to think before I reacted.
When you constantly tell someone they are doing things the wrong way – they begin to think they are never going to figure it out. That they are not what you and who you want. My standards are really high, my expectations are higher than those standards – and as much as I would love for him to meet or exceed those, it is extremely unfair for me to expect him to. That is my issue – not his.
When you get married with a preexisting family on both sides – its more than just the normal work that a marriage takes. We struggle with parenting differences, discipline differences, food differences, etc… on both sides. I want the children on both sides to feel content within themselves, to feel good and happy with who they are – that is okay to cry – to feel upset – and give them the tools to self-repair after all is said and done. My husband thinks kids shouldn’t cry, especially boys – unless bleeding, dismemberment, or if maybe the Dallas Cowboys lose yet again! Neither of us are wrong, and we both want the child to learn key important lessons and ultimately are on the same side – however if we choose to – this can turn into an argument. It is okay for boys to cry and show emotion, however no one likes a crybaby sue that makes it hard to tell if he is crying wolf or seriously hurt, Right?! I get it…
We do the best we can, with who and what we have to bring to the table. Patience, love and understanding go the distance that many couples without, fall short on. We are not perfect, we are not supposed to be, and although together we make one person – we are two. This Love Dare is hard at times, because a lot of it is working on yourself – and when its a bad day and you want things to go your way for once – conceding and doing for them is hard. Reading one of the dares, I flat out said this is ridiculous – how is my bending over backwards to make him feel special and important going to fix him being a jerk and not giving me enough attention?? And, I was serious! Still am! However, in 13 days we haven’t had one nasty exchange, one heated argument or any fighting at all. To you, that may not a be a big deal, and to us at times that’s nothing either – because we have months where things go great. Just lately, we have been stuck in the months that marriage is simply stacking the odds against us.
I’ve read time and time again this quote that I love than most any quote about love:
Truth is, 11 days ago I set the one I love free, and he came back to me. Today – that’s all I need.
The second the pregnancy hormone entered by body – my cry-ometer cracked! Sitting on a couch Indian-style, eating a Subway Salami Sandwich, and cheddar pretzel combos, I cried over a McDonald’s commercial. From then on, it was all over. In my defense, this specific commercial was one that aired during the Christmas season and it was a boy who had left home, ran away, as was calling from a payphone to ask if he could come home – his parents of course welcomed him. I probably balled for a half an hour over that. Then, slowly I migrated to movies like Steel Magnolias, StepMom, My Sisters Keeper, and who knows what else. All of which were public movie theater snot fests of tissue to the max!
Things I suppose just hit me hard, maybe harder than the rest. When happy things happen for someone, I cry! When sad things happen for someone, cry & cry some more. It isn’t specific to movies either – I can feel my heart-break when I read a forward that is especially touching, or singing along to a song in the car. I’ll even admit to tearing up when I see my kiddos get out of the car together and going to school!! I’m just an emotional person when momentous, touching, personal moments happen.
There are certain songs that literally make the inside walls of my heart feel like they are caving in, and like my stomach has been devoid of any nourishment for months. One being, our national anthem, crazy right? When I stand there with my hand over my heart, tears come through. Same with, God Bless the USA, when the part “I’m proud to be an american, where at least I know I’m free” tissues are NEEDED. Another tear-duct pleaser is “The Christmas Shoes” both the song and the movie – just breaks my heart in half those Christmas shoes!
My husband teases me mercifully when we are watching a show or movie and he will hear the initial “sniff”, followed by a “sniff, sniff” followed by using a sleeve to dab the eye – and then I feel his eyes burning into my head! Looking over, he is laughing, and my laughing on top of crying makes me cry more!! I’m just a crying mom I guess!
If someone pisses me off, like seriously, angrily pisses me off, I will cry too… Not usually in the moment – but after – like a rinse cycle almost! My heart is used and abused, its been tested and retested, its been set up and broken, it’s also been repaired piece by piece numerous times. It has helped me birth my children, to look into their eyes for the very first time, to have their heart calmed by only my heartbeat, their love only matched by mine. It has been there through divorces, marriages, death and goodbyes. If you think about it your heart does a lot – beyond pumping blood – at-least metaphorically.
Crying isn’t a bad thing, it’s a release – it’s a cleansing and apparently far more accepted in society since I am girl – at least the last time I checked I was. Although, I tell my boys if they need to cry, cry. Within limits of course. My husband wouldn’t admit it, but he has cried a couple of times during our marriage – and NO, NOT ALL WERE BECAUSE OF ME – Thank you very much! You’ll notice I said not ALL, so that leaves a small possibility of once, maybe twice. But, you didn’t hear that from me.
Honestly though, I’m okay with being a mommy that cries – because I know that I feel, that I live, and that I love. Do you cry during a certain movie or song? If so which one?
See you next blog – Jess