Walk all over me, please.

You are welcome to exit my life, at any given moment. The door is always open for you to do so. Rarely will I hold it for you as you exit, or lock it behind you, but I will most assuredly not prevent you from walking out of it. Your life, if you choose to have me in it, will get easier once you understand I am who I am. And, I love her. I love what I fight for, what I believe in, and who I believe in. And, if you’re in my life that includes you.

Is there a sign on my back that says, KICK ME or FREE TO TREAT LIKE CRAP? Because sometimes it feels likes it.

Every once in a while, I will get a wild hair and become intrigued by people who perceive me as a defenseless pushover. Or, better yet as someone who cares enough about their opinion to allow my day to become ruined by it. During these brief moments of weakness, it takes an act of God to keep me from saying, “excuse me” as I tap on their shoulder, “what is it exactly in my overall appearance (pointing at my face in a circular motion) or personality that screams “walk all over me, please” and gives you the idea that I will actually fold and lay flat like a board and do as you say?” I don’t fold well with others and I am not LESS of a person than you are.

Not everyone gets the same version of me. One person might tell you I’m an amazing beautiful soul; another person might say I’m a cold-hearted person. Believe them both, I act accordingly.

You’ve heard the saying above and it is true. Even for a Christian. There comes a point where judgment gets a little annoying and not standing up for yourself needs to end. People’s opinions of me are none of my business – I know that. But, what it all boils down to is the simple fact of – you don’t know me. You may know me from years ago, or from a story someone shared of my past, or from an ex – because we all know how truthful those stories can be. Either way, I’m not that girl – and you can either venture out and get to know me for me, or you can continue to miss out and judge instead.

Honestly, either are fine by me but what wont happen is my remaining silent or letting anyone disrespect me – to me. I’m not that girl. There is a fine line between taking the high road and getting steam-rolled. The high road is less traveled and I will choose it 99% of the time, but during those 1% moments where my character and my family are involved and questioned – tread ever-so-lightly my friend. My feelings, thoughts, abilities and what I have to offer as a person are not any less important than any one else. The moment you think you are better than someone else, is the same moment you no longer are – written by: me.

My life is mine for a reason, because I am the only one who can live it. God made me intricately detailed, flawed, a pain in the tush and incredible all at the same time. He factored in my own stupidity knowing I would fail, and that I would need his grace time and time again. He formed my heart knowing that it would love people that would never love me back – and made sure it would have the capacity and willingness to keep beating and loving any how. It’s a heart that fights for what is right, and is unafraid to take a stand for others. A heart that at night, when I fail, or hurt someone – repents and rehashes the why behind my actions. You don’t see that though.

My mistakes are just that, mine. If I make mistakes ten times a day, every day, for the rest of my life, they are no more your business from the first mistake to the last. You can’t bet your sweet nosy tush, I will learn something new along the way each and every time though. I am a very resourceful mistake-maker. My journey is personal and specific to what is needed for my growth as a woman and as a human being. Not yours.

My beliefs are no less important than yours, nor are my priorities, except that to us individually they are significant and critical in the forefront of our lives. They are what propel us forward, the motivation and dedication that burns in our souls. We will not always see eye to eye and I don’t want to! My opinions are loud, but they are never one-sided or judgmental – they come from a personal experience of either gain or loss. You decide if my opinion matters to you, and vice versa – individually the person chooses to validate or reject it. The power belongs to the beholder, just as does beauty.

You are welcome to exit my life, at any given moment. The door is always open for you to do so. Rarely will I hold it for you as you exit, or lock it behind you, but I will most assuredly not prevent you from walking out of it. Your life, if you choose to have me in it, will get easier once you understand I am who I am. And, I love her. I love what I fight for, what I believe in, and who I believe in. And, if you’re in my life that includes you.

I’m at the point in my life, where the quality of the person, reflects my effort. My children are my main priority, I choose every day to love, trust and believe in GOD, and to live my life without regret. I know my heart, and the goodness it contains, it is not my intent nor desire to persuade you in or out of loving me. I love myself enough for the both of us, and my value will never decrease because we’re in disagreement over my worth. Take it or leave it.

Some Mothers amaze me…and not in a good sense.

I just read an article where a mother wanted to know if she could have it court ordered and put in their legal papers that her daughter could not call dad’s girlfriend or future wife Mom! Are you kidding me, this is one of the many many things that is wrong with our society! Could you imagine being a lawyer and having someone come walking in, stating that of all things to be concerned with, that would be it?

How about that Daughter, who is obviously in the middle, and loves both women, and now she is being forced to change how she feels to be normal and loving towards someone whom cares for her in a motherly role.

This whole debate over whether it is acceptable or not, has ZERO to do with the child. Its is ALL about the mother, all about her insecurities, her low self confindence, needing control of her ex husband in some manner now that he is building a new relationship. Just because a child calls someone mom, doesnt mean they gave birth to her.

My daughters friends call me Mom, My husband has guy friends mothers, that he calls mom…its a term for someone, ANYONE that fulfills the role of the actions a mother takes. Does the SM, or Dads GF, take care of her, love her, provide for her, if so, who the (big F Word) cares! Seriously!

Its just literally chaps my tush that this is the concern these days, not that they are cared for, or getting things they need, schooling, clothing, doctor visits, dentist visits, proper hygiene, even coming of age topics…but no – it needs to be court ordered to not call someone mom.

I don’t think I will ever understand this unnatural distaste for someone loving your children!

Nothing like you…

Today, is one of those days when I find myself wondering what exactly was done to me to make me the way I am. Afraid to trust, needing control, terrified to lose love, to gain it, undeserving of it even. I know it stems from him, and it makes me hate him, and it makes me wonder what the hell he was thinking, what he thought he would gain from it. Did he treat me the way he did, because he thought it was best and would benefit me? Did he realize he was ruining me, setting me up for constant failure and heartbreak? Would a father really purposely do that to his daughter? Does he see me from wherever it is he is spending eternity, and feel remorseful for knowing he was behind it all, has he asked for forgiveness, or even received it?

I’m glad he died, maybe more than glad, but in a small place somewhere, I suppose there is this tiniest part that is sad. Not because I want him alive, or to have a relationship with him, but more so to have him see me, to see that I made it regardless of his purposeful setbacks. I struggle with my inner demands, but I am mother, a wife, an employee, a friend, a sister and am loved by many. Does that bother him, or make him proud, or does it not register at all? I will never know. Dad, wherever you are,this is for you;

I’m still angry, I am still hurt, and I hate you and all you did to me. You killed me internally, you have made me reject love, you made me question myself, my worth. You were not a father to me, you were a monster. You hurt me, physically, but even more mentally. You made me ugly, and made me feel ugly, you set me up, you made me fail, you never supported me, you were never there for me, you never held me when I was sad, or protected me when I was scared. You never brushed my knees off when I fell, and told me I can do it, just try again. You humiliated me, you shared my private life with the world, only to embarrass me. You lied, cheated, stole, and had me do the same for you- to earn your love, which I never got. And the day I had enough, when I was 17, and I tried to take my life to get away from you – instead of being scared and thankful I was alive, you told me to do it again – to try harder to die this time. Who does that? Who wants their child to die? Who hates their own child like that? What did I ever do to deserve it?

Because of you, I will hug my children too much, I will listen to their cares and concerns, I will nurse every scrape, and broken heart. I will never gain joy from their pain, or failures, and I will do everything within my power to help them succeed. Because of you, everyday I will tell my daughter I love her, and that she is beautiful and smart, and capable of anything her heart wants. I will tell my son, he is my world, that he is important, that he is kind, with a big heart, and that he too can accomplish whatever goals he sets in life. I will show them they can count on me, that they can always call me, that they can trust me, and that no matter what circumstances they face, I will always stand behind them, and support them and love them unconditionally. Because of you, I care more, I love deeper, and I fight harder, to be nothing like you!