You’ve got it all wrong…. and I don’t care if it pisses you off!

I saw a post, you know one of those funny ecards that we all love so much. The ones that say what we are thinking, but are to afraid to just say it. This one at first I thought I liked, but then I realized its wrong, and maybe that’s what holding Step-parents back from really loving their kiddos.

The saying ” When you selflessly love more than you ought…you’re a Good Stepmom”.  It shouldn’t be your a good stepmom, it should be your a good person. There is no correct amount of love for a child, except Unconditional, always, no matter whose birthing canal they got pushed out of! It actually makes me a little heated thinking of it. Is this why there is such a stigma behind Step-moms, because we think we go above and beyond? That we deserve more and better because we love a child that isn’t biologically ours? That is flat out RIDICULOUS!

We are amazing, and stand above the rest, because we endure if anything the ex-spouses, both stepmoms and stepdads. I never look at my SS and think “wow sometimes its hard to love you”, or “you should be thankful I pushed my love tank a little too passed empty for you today”??? Because, if that’s the category I am in, I am OUT!

I look at my SS and I want to kiss him, to snuggle him, to play with him. I want MORE time with him, MORE memories, MORE everything. I hate when he goes home, I miss him terribly, he is my heart, and not because I married a man with “baggage” but because I got the “Package Deal” !! My kiddos and I got a wonderful man, a great stepfather for them, and a funny, sweet, loving little brother and son.

Maybe the kids are the ones that are awesome, great and fantastic, for loving more than one Mom, or more than one dad, or loving siblings that they just are forced to get to know.

More of my thankfulness comes from the fact that this little man, chose to love ME, chose to give me a chance, to trust me, to feel safe with me, because I never saw him as a choice, not once. Nor, will I ever!

It takes a Village…or a Step-Mom!?!

You hear the saying “It takes a Village to raise a child” all the time. Everyone needs help, advice, even a shoulder to cry on when we epically fail, which we all do (even me).  I often find myself questioning why I have such an attachment to my StepChild and how its possible that I often forget that he is not biologically mine. When I look at him, he looks like my biological children, people say all the time, that if they didn’t know, they would never be able to tell.

Maybe, its because when he is in my lap, caressing my face, and saying “Mommy, I love you” my heart melts everytime. Honestly, though I think it has more to do with the fact that I can’t have children anymore, following a hysterectomy in 2007. So, in a sense I was blessed with another child, a dream and desire I so desperately had wanted but couldn’t create on my own.

So, in tottles this One year old baby boy, that at first, I’ll be honest didn’t want anything to do with me, and for me – it was WORK, because my children are so much older. When he would come to stay, it was hard, more involved, and through the months and now years, potty training, and terrible two’s, we grew into a mother and son. Do you even know how hard that is? Does anyone know how hard it is to love someone else’s child, someone who doesnt want you to kiss away booboo’s, or doesnt want you to hold them, feed them, etc…. and yet the two of us, WE DID IT!

Now, I’m the best booboo kisser, the ultimate make everything better person, and the one he wants all the time. I discipline him, I support him, and yes I have to be the mean mommy here and there….but kids need that, crave that even, and they grow much happier & content with that sense of normalcy, that is from structure.

So, makes me wonder if maybe I am supposed to be in this little man’s life. Like, God wanted another influence, another Village member, to help, to love, to guide, to help raise this wonderful little boy. Maybe, Stepmoms are angels – without wings, and with apron strings, extra special mommy powers, and a little dash of amazing. Maybe, thats why I feel like he is mine, because in a sense he is.

Some Mothers amaze me…and not in a good sense.

I just read an article where a mother wanted to know if she could have it court ordered and put in their legal papers that her daughter could not call dad’s girlfriend or future wife Mom! Are you kidding me, this is one of the many many things that is wrong with our society! Could you imagine being a lawyer and having someone come walking in, stating that of all things to be concerned with, that would be it?

How about that Daughter, who is obviously in the middle, and loves both women, and now she is being forced to change how she feels to be normal and loving towards someone whom cares for her in a motherly role.

This whole debate over whether it is acceptable or not, has ZERO to do with the child. Its is ALL about the mother, all about her insecurities, her low self confindence, needing control of her ex husband in some manner now that he is building a new relationship. Just because a child calls someone mom, doesnt mean they gave birth to her.

My daughters friends call me Mom, My husband has guy friends mothers, that he calls mom…its a term for someone, ANYONE that fulfills the role of the actions a mother takes. Does the SM, or Dads GF, take care of her, love her, provide for her, if so, who the (big F Word) cares! Seriously!

Its just literally chaps my tush that this is the concern these days, not that they are cared for, or getting things they need, schooling, clothing, doctor visits, dentist visits, proper hygiene, even coming of age topics…but no – it needs to be court ordered to not call someone mom.

I don’t think I will ever understand this unnatural distaste for someone loving your children!

I understand…but yet I don’t think I do – Does that make any sense at all?

If three years ago my children came home and said they were calling dads gf Mom, or any variation of it, I would have cringed, possibly even thrown the most immature womanly hissy fit, yelled at my ex, and told my children no way in hell could they or would they call her anything but by her first name. Is this acceptable behavior, you may ask…the answer very simply is NO. Further more, realizing where this intenal fight to be Primo Mom, is within yourself. Its an insecurity, its being worried that someone else is better, is taking better care, or TAKING OVER.

Let me tell you this, its not going to happen, if you are a good mom. If your slacking, then yes you  have every right to be scared. However, no right to tell your child they can’t call someone who acts as a mother, Mom, and especially not letting them love someone who is good to them. But, if your a good mom, an attentive, loving, caring mother, noone can take your place – as scary as it feels, its not going to happen. Even more, even if your a really bad mom, some kids still want that, they love you unconditionally, regardless of acts, size, beauty, money…etc. You are mommy…and thats where being a StepMom sucks!

Now, fast forward three years, I’m remarried, with the most loving, most adorable little StepSon who is only 3. He calls me Mom, and my heart, mind and soul forget everyday, he wasnt born from me. Hence, a few of the many reasons BM hates me. Hate isn’t a generalization of the term, its literal. I’m also certain, there is a bounty or hit out for my head or body somewhere! This woman thinks I rode in on a son stealing stepmom donkey and am on a mission to brainwash him into thinking I the best. There is no son stealing donkey, although there is a donkey – but we shalt not name names. 🙂

Anyhow, Ive been in my wonderful SS life since he was one, and since my kiddos call me mommy, he just started one day. I, because of what I shared above, was 150 million % against it (I dont think I wrote that percentage correct) and kept correcting him to my name. Until one night, my Mother-In-Law pulled me aside and made a pretty great point, that stuck from that night on. She told me that if he is comfortable calling me that, and of his own will, I should let him. The reason being that I wouldnt want to make him feel any less important, any less loved, or any less one of my children. And, she was right! Who am I to make this loving child that knows I do what moms do, not be his mom.

After all, I bathe him, I dress him, feed him, snuggle him when he wants loves, carry him when he is too tired to walk, kiss away his booboo’s, play with him, love him, rock him to sleep, all the things every mom does. So, why should I get some stirmatized label, of the worted witch that needs a nose job to hide the hairy funk on her face? OR, be called by my name? I shouldn’t and I don’t.

There has been one backlash from this, unrealized and now unable to remedy I might add. I think my SS, is far smarter than many people realize a 3 year old can be. Because, quickly he started referring to me when he would talk to his BM, as MommyJessica, and when he would talk to me, it was MommyKatie for his BM. With all the redirection in the world..this has not stopped. Even, with his BM telling him I am not his mom, that he cannot call me his mom, and that we only have one mom and its her, he hasn’t stopped. He did come home of course and tell me, that BM has a secret special name for me, and what it was – its a lovely word that rhymes with Witch – you know with the hairy wort-mole and all. She is a real peach 🙂

Anyhow, I understand her distate for him calling me mommy, because I was there before, but until she is in the same position, she will never truly see the full picture. Granted I am quite a few years older than her, and he is her only child, I understand that, I understand her worry, her fight to be Super Mom, to have him all to herself, but I don’t understand why she can’t just appreciate the fact that he is happy, loved and cared for – After all, isnt that really all that matters?Image

Being a Mom

Being a mom means more than having given birth to a child. Its loving and knowing a soul before you even see it. It’s carrying, and caring for a life completely depending on you for survival. It’s giving air to the lungs that grew with-in you, and sight to the eyes that will never see you as anything but mommy. Its sleepless nights, its nursing scratches and scrapes, its being stern and protective. It’s teaching them to talk, to walk and eventually run. It’s learning to hand your child to a stranger to let them teach what you cannot. It’s bracing them for a fall, and dusting them off after they do. It’s seeing them cry, and not knowing how to fix it, so you sit on the floor and hold them and cry right along beside them.  It’s teaching them, that they are smart, capable, funny and giving them the security to do great things. Its building their self-esteem, supporting their dreams and loving them unconditionally. Its letting them go, letting them fail, and teaching them how to get back up. It’s going without, so that they don’t have to, and being okay with it.

 

Being a Mother, is a gift that is unimaginable to any woman who does not have a child. It’s a connection that is unmatched and insurmountable in any form, fashion or other relationship.  It’s a love that grows continually, a love that always wants more and better. It’s being terrified that you can’t prevent pain, injustice, heartbreak, and at times even death.  It’s laughing at jokes that aren’t even funny, but the way they say it is. Its listening to stories, that go on and on without a point. It’s always being available for the “mommy watch ME’s” and “mommy I need you”.  It’s drowning out the word MOM repeated over and over, in attempts to get your attention. Its songs sang out of tune, and settling squabbles with siblings. It’s being mean, and teaching hard lessons, that hurt you inside so deep you want to cry, but you can’t. It’s being strong for them, when you are weak. It’s smiling when you want to cry, and crying when you’re smiling with pride.

 

It’s looking through photographs and feeling your heart swell with love and happiness when you see the beauty, the happiness and life in your child’s smile and eyes.  Its confusion, mistakes, uncharted territory and blind folded guessing. It’s snuggling on the couch watching a movie, braiding hair till your fingers hurt, it’s being woken up early on Saturday morning because they want to crawl in bed and be close to your heart. It’s having the worst day, and having them hug you and tell you ”mommy I love you”, and needing nothing more.

 

It’s a blessing, a gift, a relationship that never ends, and a love that never dies. It’s the best thing I have ever become, the greatest love I have ever felt and the best part about being me.