The Selfless-Selfishness of Suicide.

I’m sure most have heard about the loss of Stephen Boss, or as most know him, Sir Twitch a-lot. There are many tragic events where my heart will ache for the situation but can carry on about my day… but not suicide. My heart aches for his wife, his children and for how he felt in his last moments.

Suicide is something that if you’ve ever contemplated, attempted, or experienced the loss of a loved one by that means, rocks you to your core each time you hear about it. 

The topic alone is heavy, and it’s one that personally connects each individual touched by it. Something that if untouched by it, few fully understand the weight that depression, hopelessness, and loss carry. 

I remember my father’s many attempts, and I remember my own at such a young age. But more so than the attempts, I remember the deep sinking hole, the pull, the immediate need to remedy a deeply felt inability to overcome this battle with living even a minute longer in pain. A feeling that feels impossible for time to heal. A pain that just needs to end and can only do so with the end of yourself. 

It’s odd writing about it now knowing all I know, and how beautifully God not only saved my life but redeemed it. Understanding now that the end of myself was the beginning of him. I’m one of the fortunate ones who woke up, though being fully transparent at the time didn’t feel like a blessing. 

The enemy is real, his schemes may be predictable, but they are skilled in ways that the mind completely disconnects from all reality, and all hope causing you to become the most selfless-selfish you’ll ever become. Selfless-selfish…I know that’s harsh word mixed with an excusing one but it’s the best way to explain how I felt, and how many others feel too. 

You believe, that in the long run, it would be best for everyone if you leave now. It’s the purest unintentional form of selfishness, blinded by a deep concern for the collateral damage around you if you admit your thoughts, your feelings of inadequacy and despair. It’s a burden you don’t want your loved ones to carry, because you intimately understand the torment it causes. You don’t have the capacity in those dark moments to consider the -after. The part where your absence is the exact distributor of collateral damage, affecting many lives for a lifetime, while excusing yours for eternity. The enemy romanticizes this ultimate escape, as rest, and completion though it’s not. You want the pain to end so badly that it’s the only thing that makes sense. Until it doesn’t.

The scariest part is no one knows what happens after for those who leave us either, all we know is that everyone is impacted and the enemy wins in those last moments. He gets what he wants which a loss or at the very least a diminishing fraction of faith and trust in God’s ability to make beauty from ashes, to walk us through the pain to the other side and for our will to align with his full of goodness and true freedom.  

I don’t share this lightly and it isn’t my heart to be depressing but this life-threatening and life-altering subject matter must be discussed. That people know there are other options and choices and that their worth has not plummeted in that sinking hole they feel pulled into. It’s all lies. It’s all temporary and though the pain takes work, time, and God to heal, it can get better. You are not replaceable, you’re not an inconvenience and you need to know you are never alone.

Never make a permanent choice on a temporary emotion. If you ever need to talk, I’m always here without judgment and always with the solid reminder that GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU, A PLAN TO PROSPER AND NOT HARM, AND WITH ALL THINGS HE CREATES, YOU ARE SET APART FOR GREATNESS AND LOVED ABUNDANTLY. 

If you are considering suicide, please seek help now. Call 1-800-273-8255, the national hotline, get yourself to a hospital if you can, call 911, go alert someone in your home, apartment, or workplace, or wherever you are, and do whatever it takes to get help.

National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Suicide hotlines available in most countries:

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