Divorce & the StepMom

Have you ever awoke from a dream that was so intense and real that your heart breaks as you open your eyes?

I dreamt about him again, and its such a double edged sword because even though for the duration of the dream we’re together again, there is always the waking up that rips him away.

Divorce sucks, everyone knows that,  divorce with your children involved even worse, but nothing is worse than divorce with a stepchild.  Nothing.

Ethan was only one when he blessed my life. Having had a hysterectomy after my son, I always believed God wasn’t done with me as a mother, therefore he brought me Ethan. We had him in our home every other week for a week at a time, which is virtually unheard of at his age.

At first, it was hard to get used to, because my children were 5 and 7 at the time. Diapers, sippy cups and highchairs were a thing of the past. But, it took no time at all to fall in love with this blonde little sweetheart.

He always called me mom, because he copied my kids. It was hard because his mother hated it. It was something he chose and though I was uneasy with it at first, I grew to love it and to call him my son. Raising him was a joint responsibility in our home. In every definition and action I was his mother, and I loved him dearly, and still do.

Through battles in court, battles between my husband and his mother, I fought hard for this little kiddo. My love for him and my relationship with him, is what started my blog, and my parenting page. My children took to him instantly and we were a family.  And then after three years, we weren’t.  He was gone.

His dad left for another woman. He left while my kids were not at home, and while Ethan was with his mom. There was and has never been a goodbye on either end.  My children were left heartbroken by the dual loss of a stepfather and brother. And, I, well…I haven’t seen Ethan since. Except in photos here and there.

image

That is probably why I still dream about him. In my dreams Ethan calls me mommy, and hugs me so tight as if to hold me over until our next date in our dreams. He caresses my face and tells me “I love you mommy” the way he used to do. This time I was so happy to see him that I was crying, and woke up feeling as though I was going to cry. My heart hurts, still, a year later.

It makes me hate his father, and the woman he left our family for. The woman who informed me it was better for Ethan and my children, to not see eachother or the man that was a father type in their life. She has no children of her own, how does she know? She made the rules and he followed them.

While I’m thankful my ex is gone, and even more delighted that they two now are eachothers karma;  I miss my son. I miss his laughter, his silliness, his sweet breathy voice and the way he loved me so. I miss him crawling into my lap, caressing my face and telling me stories about bullriding and hockey with his excited little boy voice. I miss him holding hands with his brother and sister and how excited he was to see them when he came home every week. I miss the 3 am tapping on my shoulder, saying “mommy can I snuggle you?”

Now, awake and emotional, I will go on about my day dealing with the loss of my son again. The sinking  feeling in my heart, that dull aching pain which will exist unbeknownst to anyone throughout the day. I’ll suffer quietly because noone understands it and everyone expects it to go away because its been over a year. But, guess what?  It hasn’t. 

It hides away until we meet again in our dreams.  I miss you Ethan, and love you always. 

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About Totally Jessifiable

This blog contains all the inner workings of me - the good the bad and the ugly. Although a majority of it is Step-Mom related since that is my current state of parenting along with my own children. There will be times of regress, moments of my childhood, good and bad that created the parent I am today - and there will be moments of utter happiness because I have made it through hell and back. This blog is real, it will hopefully make you angry, it will make you cry, it will make you laugh so hard you may pee your pants - its suppose to create a feeling within you - and I hope it does.

Posted on July 4, 2014, in Father, Judgment and Loss, Life, Marriage & Divorce, Stepparents and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Beautifully said and so sorry for that loss 😦

  2. Michelle James

    My heart breaks for you Jess. Im sure Ethan misses you too. 😦

  3. I am so sorry this happened! I am sitting at work crying right now! I can’t imagine how hard that must be, and I feel sorry for Ethan as well, since I’m sure he must miss you so much. Thank you for sharing this story…

  4. This is so sad. As a step-mom myself, I cannot imagine having someone tell me I could never see my step-kids again. It scares me. I feel sorry for Ethan. He has to be hurting. My heart breaks for you and your family.

  5. Oh my goodness, how heart-wrenching. I can’t even imagine. I feel so sorry for you, your kids, and Ethan. Sending you love and hugs….

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
    xoxo

  6. I’m so sorry that you have to endure this pain. Reading this put my situation (with my SD) into perspective, and I am glad for the first time in 2 weeks about the current predicament in which I find myself. Thank you for that.

  7. Michael A. Coughlin

    Jess – That is heart-wrenching. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have maintained for years that I believe divorce/infidelity is the worst sin and your experience bears that out.

    My website is currently annoying me and not always “up” but if you have a chance, read this post http://www.michaelcoughlin.net/blog/index.php/2010/03/what-is-the-gospel/. This is what my divorce led me to, a relationship to God through Jesus Christ: something I was unwilling to consider until the pain overcame me.

    Whether you agree with it or not, trust that I hope sincerely for your good and that I am sad for your loss.

  8. I cannot even fathom a life with out B, or how difficult it must be for you. My heart goes out. https://stepparentsanctuary.wordpress.com <- I only add this b/c it is not my primary blog.

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