When the air is clear – there is room to invest.

The end of day two and beginning of day three started with one of those revelations that leave you motionless in your seat, with your heart beating outside of your chest and the feeling of not knowing if your are going to cry or throw up. The person speaking to you is visible, viable, but your mind is loudly processing all of the information you honestly knew within – yet were unable to come to grips with. In this moment, I knew this Love Dare was something important to me, and that I was determined to take this seriously – or else I know I would have flipped over tables, thrown chairs, made a scene in the restaurant – or Lord knows what else.

Instead, I took it all in, and let it sit there and continued on with the evening. We were out for a family members birthday and there was no need to deal with any of this new information right then and there – so I didn’t. Honestly, part of me felt relieved because I wasn’t crazy, I hadn’t over thought and dreamed all these signs up and I wasn’t an idiot. As hard to hear the truth as it was, it was calming as well in a sense. I’ve never been a fake person in my life, once you hurt me, we are done. I don’t need, nor want people like that in my life- I just don’t. However, tonight I put a smile on my face and faked it and made it until one thirty a.m.

Remembering to not say anything negative, to be kind, and honest I requested to go home. The ride home was unpleasant to say the least, there was a conversation, there was hurt, anger, tears – and there was a goodbye.

This time I did something differently then I have ever done though, I kept my cool, the anger was not on my part, I didn’t over react or take ownership for anything that wasn’t mine, and most importantly I let him walk away. The fear of losing my husband in that moment somehow vanished, and I was okay with the distance which usually scares the hell out of me. When we have fought before there are things said that are hurtful, but not this time. When we have fought before there was yelling and arguing but not this time. This time was different.

Unknowingly to us,  we left our home on the evening of day two as divided as a married couple could be still carrying on as happily married.  Around four a.m. on day three, a knock on my door would bring not only my husband but HONESTY, LOVE, GROWTH and MARRIAGE back into our home.  We shared and gained more ground as a married couple than we had over six months.  Things were said that neither of us knew, and that the other missed. When you live with someone day in and day out you forget to SEE them, to LIVE with them, to appreciate them. Watching my husband at that early morning hour, hearing not just his words, but his feelings, his thoughts, his inner most vulnerabilities – I remembered he is human. I am human – we are not perfect.

MarriageInvestment

I get so caught up in being everything I see my husband liking, skinny, brunette, tattoos etc… that I focus on all the things I am not.  Then,  I lose the things he already loves about me. We as women crave attention, and even when we have it, it doesn’t always feel that way. I’m at the gym busting my butt to lose weight to look good because he likes fit women, and getting upset when he doesn’t notice. He is upset because I’m always wanting to work out. He doesn’t want me to look like “them” he wants “me”.

On the other end,  My husband is a very attractive man, so attractive in fact that he gets hits on often. Apparently this is something that I should appreciate, however I don’t. Women these days are not respectful when they flirt and they often take it too far. It also doesn’t help that my husband eats it up, which also irritates me. I grew up in the time of being attractive without knowing it and being thankful – but not cocky. However, in his defense, I didn’t realize that he eats it up from everyone else, because I rarely tell him I feel he is attractive, or sexy – because I think he hears it enough. Or, because he says it so much it turns me off and I lose that attraction all together. The truth is, he is gorgeous and extremely fit. With sandy blond hair, broad shoulders, he has two different colored eyes, one blue, and one green – and a smile that melts hearts of women ages 2-100. He is hilarious and fun, exciting, and by far my fantasy man – there isn’t any other man I am attracted to than my husband – and I need to make sure he knows that. I need to remember that is important.

Day 3, was to invest in something – whatever you put your time and energy into – to make sure it made them know you were thinking of them. It turns out my husband who is a huge ball fan, had never seen the movie Field of Dreams. I called around to the video stores, found it, rented it and we watched it together. Following the movie we communicated some more and watched Fireproof as we cuddled together.

Marriage isn’t easy, ours is far from perfect – but if there is love and communication it is far richer than many.

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About Totally Jessifiable

This blog contains all the inner workings of me - the good the bad and the ugly. Although a majority of it is Step-Mom related since that is my current state of parenting along with my own children. There will be times of regress, moments of my childhood, good and bad that created the parent I am today - and there will be moments of utter happiness because I have made it through hell and back. This blog is real, it will hopefully make you angry, it will make you cry, it will make you laugh so hard you may pee your pants - its suppose to create a feeling within you - and I hope it does.

Posted on March 27, 2013, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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