And so it begins…

courage

It would take awhile to explain how I am to the point of this newest chapter – and as much as I would love to clear the air and set the record straight sort to speak, it is best that I give my marriage the respect it deserves as to the ins and outs of our out. The main objective is that I love my husband and there is nothing I have taken more seriously than my vows this this man.

While I take this journey publicly with you, he is unaware as he doesn’t read my blog, my Facebook or anything for that matter, he hates reading. So, I ask any of you that may know us to keep it this way – allow us this – and allow me the chance to document it. The point of documenting this journey is three-fold. First, I need to stick with it – Second, I want to see if it really will save my marriage and Third – if it does, I want it to help you.

We have been together three years and married just under two, with kids on both sides, care packages full of history on both sides and enough pain to sink under the heaviest anchor. Neither of us are innocent, and neither of us have done anything serious enough to not be forgiven or to have broken the bond of marriage. However, we are struggling and I hope this can help, because I honestly have nowhere and no one else to turn to.

Right now, I am in a place of where there are days I can tell you that I do not feel like my husband loves me, I feel alone, and I feel like my children are my saving grace. There are times I see and read quotes that make me feel a burst of hope that marriages would last more if people realized the happy ever after follows the worse part. Being strong and not giving up are all things I do naturally as a parent, however are not easy to come by as a wife, at least not for me. My husband has wonderful qualities, pumping me up however is not one of them. So…I have to figure this out on my own, well with the help of God and the Love Dare.

Today is day one, Patience. Anyone who knows me knows I am not anything close to resembling patient,  unless it involves my children or someone in need. One of my biggest downfalls is that I can be quick tempered especially when I am hurt. It says this on day one “Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don’t get what you want and you start heating up inside. It is often an emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives.” and I feel it is extremely accurate. Because this is me.

My mouth can’t hold anything inside, and neither can my heart, it explodes with happiness, hurt and anger all the same. Lately my anger, frustration, feelings of helplessness, things that admittedly could all begin within ME end up snowballing into ultimatums, threats, and everything unhealthy and controlling that has no place in a marriage. Therefore – we start with day one.

Today’s Dare says to not say anything negative to your spouse all day, and that if the only way to not say something negative it to hold your tongue, do so.  It’s 12:40 pm my time and I have yet to speak to my spouse since 5 am this morning. That is not normal for me, and it has been hard – but I’m doing my best to give him his space and allow myself to not react to the feelings I struggle with from the yesterdays still hanging on. At this point staying mum – is putting my best foot forward. We will see how the rest of the day goes.

I hope you will follow this journey with me, and that you will will pray for us and join me if you feel the need ❤

Material taken from The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, copyright © 2009 by B&H Publishing Group. Used by permission.  Unauthorized reproduction in any format is strictly prohibited by law.

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About Totally Jessifiable

This blog contains all the inner workings of me - the good the bad and the ugly. Although a majority of it is Step-Mom related since that is my current state of parenting along with my own children. There will be times of regress, moments of my childhood, good and bad that created the parent I am today - and there will be moments of utter happiness because I have made it through hell and back. This blog is real, it will hopefully make you angry, it will make you cry, it will make you laugh so hard you may pee your pants - its suppose to create a feeling within you - and I hope it does.

Posted on March 22, 2013, in Life, Love, Marriage & Divorce, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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