Father, Life, Parenting


Hauser City was anything but quiet today as the towns’ heroes created the usual commotion following common antics of flying and such. The city being named after the family that for generations has used their superpowers to instill peace and goodness was in for a shock – The Super-Hauser’s became selfish for a day.

Ninja-Turtle-X-ray-Dad who usually used his x-ray superpower to see through buildings, or fires in search of trapped civilians – was now using it for himself. Walking down the street, strutting his turtle shell as he always did, he giggled, stared and enjoyed every woman passing his way. X-Ray vision was coming in handy today – in more ways than one. Forgetting to turn it off when old Mrs.  Andrews walked by – NTXD got a bitter taste of medicine which was a little hard to swallow. Crossing Main Street, he tucked into his shell and rolled leisurely through traffic until resting against the curb. Popping out of his shell, he found in front of him two long legs, that he would recognize anywhere.

“Dear, have you been using your X-ray vision to look under women’s clothes again?” his wife, Hypnotic Tonic asked.

“What the shell are you thinking – would I do something like that?” he questioned her back.

“Now, you listen here – don’t make me beat the shell off of you dear – I may not have super strength but I’ll hypnotize the ooze out of you so fast you’ll think you’re a clam – got it?” she snapped.

“Yes, dear – I remember last time, thinking I was a donkey and a ballerina at the same time almost gave me shell shock” he confessed.

“Alright then – where are X-Fracture, Invis-a-diva, Hawaiian-Flyin’ Mermaid & Telekinesis-Genius at? Have you seen them at all this morning?”

“No, dear I was doing my best to “see” other things until you so rudely invaded my invasion of others privacy” he responded.

“Oh okay Donkey boy – lets go for a walk real quick, why don’t we?” she started tugging him by his shell. “Oh no no no, I forgot I saw Invis-a-diva going in to the bank about ten minutes ago actually” he remembered.  Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, and she heard them – they both broke into a dead sprint.

Rounding the corner of Main and Villain, they looked in every bank window for IVD, being that she was most likely using her ability to become invisible made the task a little more tedious. Hearing a commotion behind them, they both turned to find X-Fracture galloping in on his studly horse, Thrasher. “Son, where have you been this morning – did you remember to activate your special anti-fracture shield before getting on Thrasher?” she questioned.  “Mom, seriously – I’m a superhero with super regenerating bone and healing powers, do you really think I’d forget my own super power?” he retorted, nudging Thrasher to flip the switch behind his back.  “Besides why are you two sneaking around the bank anyhow?” he asked. “Oh no, she is at it again, isn’t she? Who uses their super powers for evil anyways” he said shaking his head in disbelief.  Without missing a beat – NTXD – answered – “Not me, nope, not ever”. “You’re gross dad” said XF –“one day you won’t think so son and then I’ll pass on my super power to you – that way you can regenerate a bone while looking at boobies” said his dad. Before he could even respond, his mom had kicked his dad into a turtle-spin, “there” she said – “that should keep him busy! Now, let’s find your sister.”

IVD was trouble, ever since she saw those sparkly Bobs at Macy’s that she just had to have. Using her super power, to regenerate her always drained bank account, she was most likely acting as an invisible bank robbing villain. She never will learn, he thought to himself. Why can’t she be more like Hawaiian-Flyin’ Mermaid – who flies all the way to Hawaii, just to snorkel with and save the dolphins, he questioned silently.

The only bad part about HFM, was that although she was his big sister, using her super power of flight for the greater good – she surely hadn’t practiced how to use her Ukulele, for the greater good. In fact – he wished he could permanently break whatever bones he had in his ears, just to never hear it again. Speaking of never having to hear something again, “where is Telekinesis-Genius” – he asked his mom. “Well if I know him at all – he is close by just waiting for IVD to slip up – or cause her to” she sighed. TKG had a way with objects – especially when his sister IVD was irritating him. When they were younger TKG would sit innocently on his superhero pillow pet – and IVD would become invisible and pull the pillow pet right out from under him and then beat him with it! Man, did he get angry back then, XF thought to himself. It was too long after that – that TKG would use his mind to chuck anything and everything at IVD – when she was least expecting it and not protected by her invisible super power.

An Alarm ringing around the corner frazzled XF right out of his trip down superhero memory lane. Turning just in time to see innocent civilians getting knocked over by what appeared to be nothing – he knew that alarm was because of IVD. Hopping onto his trusted stead, Thrasher, he threw his mom on behind him and headed towards the crowd. NTXD had stopped spinning enough at this point, that he was already assisting all the ladies his diva darling of a thieving daughter – had knocked down following her delightful departure from the bank. “Well aren’t you just the strapping young gentleman today Mr. NXTD”, said Miss Holly, the Owner of Tight Tee’s and Chicken Wings. “All in a leopards work, eh I mean, all in day’s work” – he managed distracting himself from Miss Holly’s leopard tattoo slightly above her pelvic bone on her right side. “Oh, you naughty little ninja turtle you, you had better be careful or the Mrs. will make you think you‘re a bouncing beaver eating corn-on-the-cob again, like she did last time” said Miss Holly. “Snapping turtles are us, I forgot all about that, corn-on-the-cob does sound good though Miss Holly” NTXD said as he was walking away. 

Just then out of know where came flying a telephone booth – shattering right on top of IVD, breaking her invis-a-shield. “Are you freaking kidding me – a phone booth really?” She screamed at her brother, TKG. “You could have killed me, guess you’re not a genius after all, are you?” she snarled at him. “Sorry, sis it was the closest thing to me at the time, I thought about having a bus run you over or a plane fly through you – but that would take too much concentration – and one more thing, I know it could of killed you” – he laughed. “That was the point, hello??”

Standing there in her diva gear glaring at TKG, holding two bags of money – she turned to run the other way and was no sooner looking at her parents with the best puppy dog eyes a bank robbing superhero could muster up. Feeling an overwhelming urge to do the hokey pokey, IVD dropped the money and turned herself around. NTXD noticed his wife smirking as she continued to hypnotize their daughter into embarrassing performances until she returned the money to the bank – and gave her Bobs to the girl with no shoes – all seventy-five pairs.

While the family was cleaning up the mess, the oldest daughter HFM landed peacefully on the sidewalk. Using her mermaid tail as a broom she fluttered herself swiftly until all the shattered glass was in a pile and then TKG used his mind to move into a nearby garbage can.  “Do I even want to know?” HFM questioned the family. The echoes from the unanimous “No’s” the family shouted – made her glad she spent her day with the dolphins in Hawaii. “That reminds me” she announced – “while away today, X-Fracture I wrote you a new song on my Ukulele, just because I know how much you love to listen to me play.” Before he could moan, TKG snatched the Ukulele from her hand, tossing it towards XF. Catching it, he laughed; “Now that’s my kind of mermaid in the middle” he said giggling to his family as they vanished into the superhero mist.


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